If This Is Love
by darkaccalia520
Summary: Rebuilding bridges is never easy, especially when Kristin is forced to rejoin seaQuest and face her demons. Second season AU. *ON HIATUS*
1. I Don't Need You To Save Me

**A/N: This started as a two-shot idea and grew into a bit of a monster. I don't think it will be quite as long as other stories, but I'm thinking ten chapters, at least. It was originally something to just get me back into the swing of writing again, and this is what happened. Hopefully, you'll still enjoy it. I promise after this, I'll be getting back to current projects at hand. Please bear with me. Thank you.**

 **This is a second season AU set in 2022.**

 **It should be noted that even though this is second season, I still go with certain details established as canon in season one. One thing this will affect is Lucas' age. Despite what season two says, I will always go with his 2002 birth year.**

 **The rest should be self-explanatory, though.**

 **If interested, an accompanying fanvid can be found here: www. youtube .c o m (forward slash) watch?v=hZGms-sH3iE. Please omit spaces and add the proper punctuation where applicable. Thank you for looking.**

 **A special thank you to MissScorp and concisponci for betaing help.**

 **Disclaimer: **SeaQuest DSV and its characters are not my creation. They are the creation of Rockne S. O'Bannon as a 1990's television series. This work of fanfiction is for entertainment purposes only and is not for financial gain. I am just borrowing the characters for a bit and promise to return them unharmed and in their original condition, maybe just a bit happier.** **

**Chapter 1**

 **University of Southampton**

Kristin felt her stomach twist and turn as she scanned her identification card to enter the lab. As she waited for the doors to unlock, she felt her nerves prickle. She was wound up tighter than a drum, and it wasn't even nine in the morning. She frowned and took a few deep breaths, willing her stomach to settle while she walked through the double wooden doors. She absolutely hated the feeling of dread she had every time she went to work lately but couldn't exactly blame herself for it either.

The sad fact of the matter was the lab was in jeopardy. Funding was always difficult to come by in the scientific research field, but it seemed doubly so now. She'd thought she had a difficult time with funding on the _seaQuest_ , but she had no idea what a walk in the park that had been. The UEO had the market cornered. Sponsors were more than happy to offer funds to projects with UEO backing. Everyone else got slim pickings, and such opportunities were becoming more scarce these days.

Kristin had been working with Southampton since she'd received her marine biology degree. Southampton was just one of her alma maters, but it had been a constant in her life, even when she was on the _seaQuest_. After she and the UEO parted ways, the university offered her a senior research position, and she gladly accepted. Things had gone so well for a while, but all good things must end at some point.

"Good morning, Doctor."

Kristin turned towards her assistant, Vanessa, and gave her a forced smile. "Morning," she replied, trying to sound cheerful but sure she failed at it. It was difficult to be cheery these days.

She tried to ignore the two empty work tables as she walked towards her own; they were an ugly reminder that two scientists were let go just a week prior. Out of a group of twenty-five, only ten of them were left now, pulling a disheartened sigh from her lips. She fleetingly wondered who would be the next to go and then felt a twinge of guilt for it.

"Before you get settled, Dr. Ellis wanted to see you," Vanessa told her.

Kristin's heart sank, and her stomach flip-flopped again. Dr. Martin Ellis was her department head, and him calling anyone to his office lately usually came with bad news. "D-did he say what it was about?"

Vanessa shook her head. "But he also said we should continue with the reef experiments, so I think that's promising news, don't you?" She reached out and gave Kristin's hand an encouraging squeeze. "You've been working with this university longer than I have, so if anyone were to be let go, it'd be me or one of the others, not you. I wouldn't worry."

"Right," Kristin said with a nod. "I'm sure it's not as bad as I think. Thanks for the encouragement." She gently pulled her hand away and started towards Martin's office at the end of the corridor, trying to keep her composure. It was just that the last several people she'd seen get called to his office never returned to work the next day. She looked at the two empty stations again and then at her own. Perhaps hers would be just another empty station by tomorrow.

If she had to be honest, though, she was less concerned with her own position; her worry was for everyone else. Though she didn't exactly revel in the thought of having to look for another job, she had options. She could probably walk into any hospital right now and be hired on the spot. Why she hadn't yet was another matter entirely, but the simplest answer was that it was a way for her to stay close to the ocean, something she still longed for, even without the _seaQuest_.

Once she reached Martin's door, Kristin stood there for several moments, trying to mentally prepare herself for what could be coming. _If he asks me not to return, I'll be okay. It's not because of you, it'll be because the lab just doesn't have enough work for everyone. You'll be fine, Kristin. You can do this._ She gave a nod, confirming it to herself before finally knocking. _You'll be okay,_ she told herself again and waited until she heard him say, "Come in," before turning the doorknob and walking inside.

"Ah, Kristin," Martin said with a smile. "I'm so glad to see you." He motioned to the empty chair in front of his desk. "Have a seat, please."

She hesitated. "If this is about the field study delays, we've just had a little trouble organizing a dive, seeing as we're a bit shorthanded now, but we just need a few more days, and then I'm sure-"

"Kristin, the work you're doing here is just fine. We've got a month before the field studies need to be finished, so I'm not worried in the least, and you shouldn't be either." He motioned for her to sit again. "Contrary to what you might think, this is actually good news, I promise."

She eyed him warily, but she finally did as she was told. "I'm sorry, under the circumstances, I just assumed..."

"And I don't blame you for that. I probably would have done the same thing, but I want you to know I've been trying to do something to save our little piece of the scientific community. I realize I haven't been very forthcoming with you about that, but I didn't plan on standing idly by as it crumbled beneath our feet." He paused and folded his hands in front of him. "You look at our lab now, and no one would ever guess that we were in our heyday a mere five years ago. But of course, that was before the UEO came into play."

"Things seemed so much simpler back then, didn't they?" She sighed, feeling a slight ache in her heart for days gone by. "But the UEO isn't all bad. I just don't think they quite realize what they're doing. I had no idea how it was for the rest of you when I was on the _seaQuest_. It wasn't until I came back here that I learned the truth."

"Admittedly, we didn't really feel it then. Considering the UEO allowed you to share with us, there wasn't much of a problem at that time. In fact, it really wasn't until after you..."

Though he didn't finish his sentence, Kristin knew what he was going to say. She lowered her gaze, guilt settling on her shoulders like dead weights. "I suppose I messed that up, didn't I?"

He waved a hand. "No, it was just bad timing. You certainly weren't the reason the boat was destroyed. None of this was your fault, so please don't blame yourself."

"All I know is I didn't have to fight so hard to keep my head above water then, no pun intended." She set an elbow on the armrest and cradled her chin in her hand. "Now, I feel like I could drown at any moment...and take the rest of you with me."

Martin nodded. "Almost makes you wish you never left there, hm?"

"Sometimes," she admitted quietly, moving to sit up straight once again. "But I hope you don't think that means I'm unhappy here."

Martin shook his head. "Not in the least. We've known each other for nearly two decades, so I'm pretty sure I know how you act when you're unhappy," he said with a wink. "Also, I agree with you. The UEO had no idea that their research endeavors were causing issues for anyone else...until now, that is. You see, I've been speaking with Secretary General Noyce, and he's very sympathetic to our current situation...so sympathetic that he's decided to help us."

"He...he has?" she asked, her brow furrowing in confusion. "He never used to be particularly sympathetic to scientific efforts before."

Martin shrugged. "Well, I can't say how he felt before, but he at least seemed genuinely concerned over the fact we could end up having to close our doors if our current projects fall through and we can't get any more funding for the future. That's why he proposed a deal with us, and I had little choice but to accept it."

"Oh, I see. Well, you're right, that does sound like very good news, but I don't quite understand what that has to do with me. You certainly don't need _my_ approval, especially if you've already accepted," she told him, "but I'm very excited to see what we can do now that we have UEO involvement. That should make things a bit easier for us."

"Actually, it has _everything_ to do with you," Martin explained, pushing his dark-rimmed glasses up on his nose. "I'd mentioned to the secretary general how things were better for us when you were able to serve as a connection, so he offered you a guest position there. You go there, work with their science team, gather new research, make connections for funding, and you come back here and save us from destruction. Sound like a plan?"

Kristin suddenly felt the icy claws of panic rip through her, her breath suddenly coming in short pants at the mention of her returning to _seaQuest,_ all logic and reason escaping her. "No," she blurted out, but when she saw the stunned look on Martin's face, she quickly covered her blunder. "I...I mean, I'm just not sure _I'm_ the one who should go. Vanessa, David, Rachel, or any of the others, really, are just as qualified. I really think they should be given a chance for it as well."

"That may be true, but I'm afraid none of them will do. The secretary general asked for _you_ specifically, since you know the ropes."

"Of the _old_ boat. I know nothing about the new one," she protested. "Maybe...maybe I should speak with the secretary general and explain..." She trailed off. _Explain what exactly?_ she thought. _Explain that facing him again would just be too painful? That it's just better if the captain and I don't go near each other?_ She sighed. _Then again, Bill must know exactly what happened. Why in the world would he ask for_ _ **me**_ _specifically?_

"Explain what, Kristin?" Martin asked gently.

She snapped back to reality and cleared her throat. "Uh, well, I...I just feel a bit guilty, like I'd be stealing from the others. That's an opportunity any of them would kill for, and I'm just not sure _I_ deserve it. Shouldn't they be given a fair chance too? Couldn't you ask him if one of the others could go instead? Please?"

A brow rose. "Funny, I thought you'd be excited to return to your old stomping grounds for a while. I know you were quite close with the crew there. When you'd introduced me to Captain Bridger at one of our conferences back in 2018, he spoke very highly of you, and you two seemed like you were great friends. I thought you'd want to see him after so long...and the others as well. However, I suppose I could see if the secretary general be willing to change his mind. Though he didn't say it directly, he did imply that without you, there might not be a deal, so I can't make any promises. We really can't afford to pass this opportunity up."

She ran a shaky hand through her hair, suddenly feeling as though she'd been tossed into the water without warning and she had two choices: sink or swim. Drowning had never been her forte, but swimming wasn't at the top of her list either. _I need to find that ladder and get out,_ she thought. "I...I would love to see the crew." _Most of them anyway; there's just one person in particular..._ "And I would do anything to save this lab. It's just that..." She fidgeted nervously in her chair. "I..."

"What?" he asked with a frustrated sigh. "I just don't know why you're suddenly selling yourself so short. You're a brilliant scientist...brilliant enough to have landed the chief science officer _and_ chief physician's position on the first _seaQuest_ , so I don't quite understand the resistance now." He paused and eyed her carefully. "It really _isn't_ that you think you don't deserve it, is it? It's something else."

She nodded without thinking. _No, Kristin,_ _ **why**_ _did you do that?_ she chastised herself. _Now you'll have to come clean...or at least think of another lie._ "I-it's just that..." _Oh, think, think, think!_ She placed a hand to her forehead and rubbed gently, as if it were going to help. Surprisingly, it must have, because it finally hit her. "It's just...the torpedoes."

"The torpedoes?" Martin repeated, blinking in surprise.

Her eyebrows knitted together. "Didn't I ever tell you about that?" A flimsy excuse, sure, but it was all she could think of at the moment. _If this is going to work, you better sell it like your life depends on it._

He shook his head. "I don't think so. Surely, I would have remembered something like that."

"Well, when I was the CMO on the _seaQuest,_ there was a small island that was going to be destroyed by a volcano if something wasn't done about it. Captain Bridger, Commander Ford, and Commander Hitchcock were all away, so I did what every good science officer would do," she said with a light laugh. "I took command of the bridge and insisted the weapons officer fire all the torpedoes at the sea floor in order to cut a vent and draw the lava away from the island, thus saving it and everyone on it."

"See, brilliant," Martin said. "Just like I told you."

Kristin grinned, more for the believable lie rather than for the compliment. "Maybe so, but the military brass wasn't too happy with me, since it was four torpedoes too many. Therefore, they wanted to know who was going to _pay_ for those four unauthorized torpedoes. It was a long ongoing debate between the secretary general and me, and I don't think he's ever forgiven me for it." She wrung her hands together for effect. "I just... I don't want him upset with me."

Martin laughed. "Oh, Kristin, I think you're worrying for nothing. That was what? Nearly three years ago now?" He shook his head. "I highly doubt the secretary general is bringing you all that way to debate ancient history. I also don't think he'd have asked for you specifically by name if he was angry with you, do you?"

She shrugged. "No, I suppose not. I was just being paranoid, I guess." _Don't suppose I'm going to be able to talk myself out of this one now._

"I agree," Martin said. "So, are you accepting?"

"I..." _Say no, say no!_ Her teeth sank into her bottom lip as she tried to come up with another excuse, but she really couldn't think of anything Martin would believe. "I..." _You could try the truth. Tell him you and Nathan didn't part well; he might understand._

She considered it for a brief second and then thought better of it. Though she and Martin had known one another for ages, she really wasn't keen on sharing matters of the heart with him. "It's a yes," she said, feeling the invisible shackles and chains tighten around her limbs. There was no backing out now. _Ugh, I hope you know what you're getting yourself into._ "When do I leave?"

 _•❤• _.❀•ǝʌol sᴉ sᴉɥʇ ɟᴉ•❀.•❤•__

 **Southampton**

By the time she arrived home that evening, Kristin was exhausted, but she hadn't time to relax just yet. She had to pack, since she'd be leaving on a launch first thing in the morning. Just the thought of getting ready for the next morning made her feel nauseous. It felt as though her stomach was doing jumping jacks and her nerves were on edge yet again. Had she eaten, surely, she'd be emptying the content of her stomach this very instant. The talk with Martin had killed her appetite, however.

After the others had caught wind of what was happening, the attitude of the lab changed dramatically. Everyone had found renewed enthusiasm, and they all made significant progress on their projects. Kristin really hadn't had time to worry about how she was going to handle her impromptu reunion with Nathan before now. At the sudden thought, her heart started racing and she found herself gasping for breath. _Oh, great, now you're having a panic attack,_ she thought to herself. She shut her eyes tightly and tried to calm herself, but to no avail.

 _How can I possibly face him?_ She flopped down on the sofa and buried her head in her hands. _This was a terrible idea. Maybe I can call Martin and tell him I'm not feeling well?_

She shook her head after a moment. _You tried that one already, remember? He'd just talk you out of it again. Anyway, the lab is depending on you. If you don't go..._ She sighed in frustration. She really was between a very large rock and an extremely hard place, and there was no way out. _Maybe it won't be as bad as you think?_ But as she felt her bones tremble at the thought of seeing Nathan in person, she knew she was kidding herself. She bit her bottom lip. _Maybe... Maybe..._

As if the universe knew she needed a distraction, the vid-phone rang. She practically jumped for it, hoping it was Martin telling her there was a change of plans, but the reality was far from what she expected. Her jaw dropped open when she saw Bill's face on the screen before her. "S-secretary General," she muttered in surprise. I...I..." She ran a shaky hand through her hair and cleared her throat in an effort to regain her composure.. "I'm sorry, I didn't expect..."

"I know, and I'm sorry if I've caught you off-guard. I hope this isn't a bad time? I know it's a bit late there, but I didn't think you'd gone to bed yet. From what I remember, you weren't one to retire early."

"No, not at all," she replied, absentmindedly wringing her hands together. "I...I mean, I still have packing to do. I wasn't-"

"Maybe we should start over?" he said with a sigh. "Since I can see how nervous you are. I didn't call to make you upset. My reason for calling you was to help put your mind at ease. I can imagine you're a bit confused about the situation."

Kristin instantly felt a stab of guilt when she noticed the kind look in his eyes. Bill always had kind eyes, even when he was angry. Now that she took a moment to really look at him, she noticed he had a few more lines around his eyes than when she'd last seen him, but then she guessed she was no different. Perhaps she'd been a little quick to judge the reason for his call, but given past events, she couldn't help herself. She took a deep breath and forced a weak smile. "You could say that, Secretary. It certainly came as quite a surprise."

He nodded. "But let's get one thing out of the way first. You don't need to be so formal. I've been Bill to you for years. Well, at least I was before.." he said with a slight grimace. "There's no reason to change now."

"I..." She shook her head and lowered her gaze. "We haven't seen one another in a few years, and I thought... Well, after Nathan and I..." She trailed off, almost afraid to say the words.

After a moment, Bill said, "You think I must hate you?"

"Well, y-yes," she replied with a slight nod. "That's why I don't quite understand this. Why would you ask for _me_ , of all people? And not only that, but how did you even _find_ me? I didn't exactly leave a forwarding address..."

"Yeah, I know. Why do you think it took me nearly three years to find you as it is? You didn't make it easy for anyone to find you. You have a post office box, and your home isn't even in your name."

"For a reason," she replied with more irritation than she intended. "I didn't _want_ to be found. It's not that I didn't... I loved all of you, but when I left, I told myself all ties had to be cut. Had I left any loose strings, Nathan would have tracked me down, and I didn't... It was just better this way."

Bill shook his head. "Better for _who_ , Kristin? When you left... It was such a shock to all of us."

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "I...I know."

"Nathan said he didn't even know there was a problem. He'd said you never brought it up."

"I know," she said again, her voice catching in her throat. She was too afraid to continue for fear she'd break down right there. She apparently wasn't alone because Bill was quiet too.

What seemed like a small eternity later, he finally spoke again. "I know it's not my place to ask, and you can refuse to answer if you'd like, but... _Why?_ You and Janet were good friends. You spoke often; you shared intimate details with one another. But she hadn't even a clue as to why you just left without a word. Nathan had said you two didn't even argue in the weeks prior."

"I...I know, and..." Kristin frowned upon hearing the slight tremor in her voice, realizing she didn't have the control over her emotions she thought she had. She then sighed and stood up, feeling the strong urge to move, to distract her mind a bit in order to avoid breaking down. Yes, she and Bill were friends...or rather, they used to be. What they were now, she wasn't sure, but she wasn't keen on him seeing her that way, at least not right now. She paced back and forth, ensuring she never stepped out of the camera view. After a few moments, she took a deep breath and spoke again. "It wasn't Nathan's fault at all. It's just that at that time, he was terribly busy with the inquest and the build for the new boat, and I... I felt like I was in limbo. We kept making plans for the future...for after all that was finished, but we never knew when these things would take place." She stopped pacing and turned to him. "And it wasn't that I wasn't patient. I really tried, but my own situation was uncertain. Yes, the plan was for me to return to my CMO position when the new boat launched, but again, no one knew exactly _when_ that would be. I was going between the UEO labs and the hospital, but I was running myself ragged in the process. I decided I couldn't wait anymore, so it was best to go before things became more serious between us than they already were."

Bill pondered on that for a few moments. "And you never thought to at least explain this to Nathan before picking up and leaving?"

"Of course I did. Bill, I never..." Despite her efforts, she felt tears creep up, her voice becoming shaky and strained. She did her best to swallow them back, but she could hear the tension in her voice as she spoke again. "I loved him with all my heart. I still do, but had I mentioned it beforehand, he just... He would have tried to talk me out of it, and even if I still insisted on going, he'd have suggested we try a long-distance relationship."

Bill's brow furrowed in question. "And what's wrong with that?"

"Everything!" she cried. "Not everyone has the luxury of having the perfect relationship you and Janet have. Long-distance relationships never last, at least not for me."

"Our relationship is far from perfect," he scoffed. "We have our ups and downs like everyone else."

"That's not exactly what I meant," Kristin replied, softening a bit. "I mean, whatever happens with you two, you work through it. You're married. Nathan and I... Well, quite the opposite, and I just saw the potential for so many more problems. The longer we stayed together, there was more and more at stake. At least this way, I figured it would hurt far less. I know it might be difficult for you to see, but I was trying to protect him. This was really the only way I could do that." She sat down again and then reached over to the box of tissues she kept on the coffee table, took one, and began dabbing at her eyes.

Bill seemed to know she needed a few moments to recover. "I see," he finally said. "I didn't mean... I know this is painful for you, but you can't blame me for wondering."

She shook her head. "But I certainly didn't expect you to call and ask me about it either."

"I had said you didn't need to answer me," he pointed out.

She waved a hand. "Well, it's apparent I'm going to have to talk about it sooner or later, given the circumstances." She paused as a thought hit her. "But you still haven't answered my questions. Why me again? And just how did you track me down?"

He gave her a sheepish grin. "Sorry, I sort of skirted the issue, didn't I? Well, you can blame Janet...or thank her?" He shrugged. "Eh, it all began a few months after you'd left; after the initial shock had worn off, she was on the Internex every chance she got trying to find you. She even enlisted Lucas to track you down, but he had trouble, too. You covered your tracks very well."

"I've already explained-"

"I know, and I'm not asking you to justify it. Just listen, please. Well, when Janet's efforts came up empty, she began kindly suggesting I help in the matter."

Kristin quirked an eyebrow at his word choice. " _Kindly suggesting?_ That doesn't sound like Janet, at least not when she really wants something."

"I was trying to be kind," he said with a grin. "Fine, Janet was _nagging_ me to use my pull with the brass to try and find you. She was convinced you might be in danger, that you were somehow forced to leave, that you'd never go without explanation..."

A hand rose to her mouth, a sticky swirl of guilt bubbling inside her for having worried Janet. "Oh, my, I had no idea she'd think that. I'm so sorry."

He waved off her apology. "There's no need for that. That just shows you how much she cares about you, you know. Well, I explained to her I couldn't exactly put our projects on hold just to track you down if we had no concrete proof you really were in danger, but I did do what I could in my free time."

Kristin sighed. "And what did Nathan think about all this?"

"He didn't know. That goes along with the _why_ , but first, let me finish telling you _how_ I found you." He took a breath. "But truthfully, there's not much to tell, as the case ran cold, at least for a while. I'd even tried to track down your daughter, thinking she'd be able to tell us your whereabouts, but she's just as difficult to find as you are."

"Like mother, like daughter," she murmured.

"Indeed," he said with a nod, "but then there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Your daughter contacted _me_ several months ago."

"Cynthia?" Kristin's brow furrowed. "But why would she... She never mentioned..."

"Funding," he simply said. "I'm sure you know she's still very involved in humanitarian efforts?"

She nodded. "She doesn't tell me everything, and I don't _think_ she's smuggling humans any longer, but I know she travels the world, trying to help the less fortunate...refugees mostly."

"Yes, that's exactly what she told me. Well, she was hoping the UEO would want to lend their financial support, and we did. And in exchange, she gave some information about you."

"My own daughter sold me out for _money_?" she asked in shock.

Bill laughed. "You don't need to make it sound so sordid, and it wasn't quite like that. It's not as if we gave her an ultimatum. We were giving her the donation no matter what, but while I was handing her the check, I casually asked about you. I think she expected me to do so anyway. She knew about our past. She told me you were living here in Southampton and working at the university. I'm not sure why I hadn't thought to check there before, but I felt better finally knowing that you were alive and well. I didn't seek you out right away, though. I wasn't sure how you'd take to me just calling you up out of the blue."

"I may not have been too happy," she admitted. "At least, not initially."

"Exactly what I expected. That's why I didn't even tell Janet what I knew."

Her brow rose in question.

He held up his hands. "I know, I know, but had I told her, she'd have shown up there uninvited months ago. I know you love her, but I wasn't sure how you'd handle that either. That's why I was going to contact you on my own. Or I planned on it anyway. I tried so many times to write you..."

"I'd never received any letters," she said quietly. "If I had, I would have... I'd like to think I'd have at least given you a reply, even if I didn't want to be found."

"I appreciate you saying so, but you didn't receive any letters because I never sent them. I just... I was never sure how to put it into words. Every time I tried, I sounded accusatory. I'd wanted an explanation, felt that was the least you could do, but I also knew sending you an angry letter wasn't the way to go about it." He shrugged. "And even now, I don't mean to sound accusatory. I admit, it is difficult to understand what you've told me, but I am trying to see your side of things."

"And I thank you for that, but...it still doesn't explain how we got to this point."

"I know, and I'm getting to that," he replied with a smile. "Well, I decided to let it rest. We'd originally began trying to find you for two reasons. The first was obviously for Nathan. We felt he deserved to know. But the second was for you, because we care. Contrary to what you might think, we don't hate you. We're a bit hurt and confused, but we don't hate you. We still love you after everything."

"Bill, I...I don't see how..." She shook her head, feeling tears sting her eyes. "You can't."

"Don't try to contradict it, please. We love you, and there's little you could do to change that. That's why I didn't act on the information I had in the first place. That's why I decided it best to let you come to me."

She dabbed at her eyes again. "And just how did you know I'd do that?"

"I honestly didn't, but I'd hoped. It wasn't until earlier this week that that hope finally became a reality."

She narrowed her eyes at him, a sudden surge of anger coursing through her. "Wait a minute. You're not telling me that you had anything to do with the non-UEO lab struggles, are you?"

His mouth fell open. "Do you really think that I'd stoop that low? In case you do, please know I would never. We honestly had no idea we were causing such a problem for the rest of you, and I assure you, the Southampton lab is just one of many we'll be helping. We're not going to leave the others high and dry, but the fact Dr. Ellis called me up seemed like a twist of fate, and that leads us here. That's the how."

"I'm sorry for the suggestion. It's just-"

"It's all right; I understand. The UEO isn't always the most trustworthy organization, and I know you witnessed that firsthand. Please know that under my watch, though, I do my best to make sure it stays mostly on the good side."

She smiled softly. "Well, I wouldn't expect anything less. Uh, so the why?"

"The why," he repeated. "Well, dual reasons. First, because I know your qualifications, and you know the boat."

"But I don't..."

"Well, perhaps not this particular model," he replied, "but you do know the basic layout. You know at least some of the crew, and you're trustworthy. We don't need to worry about you blabbing about classified projects, and it was much easier to get security clearance for you rather than someone we've never dealt with before." He then folded his hands in front of him. "And second, closure."

Confusion marred her brow. "Closure? But I just told you..."

"Not for me. I mean, I appreciate you explained it, but I also have a feeling that might not be the whole story." He held up a hand. "Now I don't expect to know any more. I think that's between you and Nathan, but surely, he deserves to know the truth, doesn't he?"

She lowered her gaze. "So this was all an elaborate trick to get Nathan and me to talk?"

"Don't you think he deserves it?" He slammed his hand down on the table before him. "My God, Kristin, you weren't here. You didn't see..."

"I know I hurt him," she replied, no longer able to hold back tears. "It hurt me too, but I told you..."

"And now you need to listen," Bill told her, his words gentle but firm. "It took everything in our power not to let him go back to that damn island of his. He was devastated after you left. You were the first woman he loved after Carol, and he _still_ loves you. Oh, believe you me, he's healed, but I know he still loves you. I'm not expecting you two to rekindle anything, but I figured if you two were forced into a situation like this, you'd eventually talk. If anything else, keep your friendship. I think it's clear he needs it, that you _both_ need it."

Kristin let out a few pained sobs. "I really never..."

"Shh," Bill soothed. "I know, I really do, but...why don't you take a few moments?"

She nodded quietly, wiping at her eyes and taking several deep breaths. After a few minutes, she was able to speak again. "Thank you," she muttered. "Do...do you really think that's the wisest plan, though? It's a small boat. Well, I assume it still is anyway; the crew may be more focused on us rather than their work. You know how quickly people glom onto gossip there."

He shrugged. "As for the crew, they'll become bored rather quickly. You should remember how that works. And you and Nathan managed to keep things professional last time. I trust you can do it again."

"And I'm sure he was absolutely _thrilled_ to find out I'm going to be there for a month," she said dryly. "He's probably as excited to see me as I am to see him."

"Actually, he doesn't know."

Her mouth fell open, shock crashing over her in waves before irritation took over. "E-excuse me? Are you mad? You came up with this little plan and didn't think to spring it on him first?"

"Well, he _does_ know a guest scientist will be working there for a time, but he doesn't know _who_. I told him the university was still deciding who to send."

"So absolutely no one there knows about me?" She crossed her arms over her chest. "You said you called to ease my mind, but that's not really working. What do you expect me to say when I see him?"

"I find hello is a nice greeting."

She gave him a look. "You really think this is a joking matter?"

"Sorry," he muttered, "I was just trying to lighten the mood. But I really think you're worrying for nothing. For starters, not everyone is in the dark. I told the one person who should know just who is going to be working alongside her, and that's Dr. Wendy Smith."

"My replacement?" Kristin guessed.

He nodded. "She's actually very excited to meet you. I asked her not to tell anyone else as a surprise, and she agreed to keep it to herself. As for Nathan and the others, that's all you need to tell them as well...that you wanted it to be a surprise."

"And you don't think he'll be angry when he finds me there?" she asked, biting her bottom lip. "You'd just said how broken up he was..." She sighed. "I don't think this reunion will be as happy as you think."

"Well, that's up to the two of you, isn't it?" He paused. "You're not going to back out now, are you?"

"Don't think I haven't thought of it, but no... I think Martin would kill me if I did, and he said you weren't keen on bringing anyone else but me on."

"Not really," he admitted. "I know this puts you in an awkward position, but I think that by the end, you'll be glad you did this."

"I still have my doubts, but I suppose it will be in fate's hands." She shrugged. "Though if you hadn't arranged this, the thought wouldn't have crossed my mind."

"See, aren't you glad you have me then?" he asked with a wink.

She smiled softly. "I don't think you want to know my answer right now." Her smile then quickly faded. "I just hope you know what you're doing."

"Always," he replied. "Just try not to worry."

"Easier said than done, but I will try." She ran a hand through her hair. "Are you going to tell Janet now?"

"Soon. If I tell her now, I can't promise she wouldn't show up on board herself," he said with a laugh.

Kristin laughed with him. "Well, we can't have that, can we? But maybe I could help you out with her. Once I get settled on board, I could give her a call."

His brow rose in surprise. "You're ready to face her wrath?"

She sighed. "Well, I hope it wouldn't _all_ be wrath, and better me than you. I have missed her, and I suppose if the idea is for me to rebuild bridges, she's included in that."

He nodded. "She'd like that, and I think she'll forgive you fairly quickly." He paused, folding his hands. "If you have any problems at all, you call me, night or day. I don't think you will, but in case, I don't want you to think you're on your own."

"Thank you, that's good to know."

"I am sorry about throwing you into this situation unexpectedly."

She shrugged. "Well, it's for the good of the lab, and I am starting to think you might be right on the rest."

"I'm glad, but I think I've kept you long enough. You said you still needed to pack, and I want you to try to get some sleep tonight."

She nodded. "Thank you, and I'll try. I am glad you called."

"Me too. I hope we can see each other in person soon. I'm sure Janet would love to have you visit very soon."

"I'll see what can do," she promised.

"Goodnight, Kristin. Sleep well."

"Goodnight," she replied before cutting the link.


	2. I Don't Need You To Cure Me

**A/N: Thank you to all you anonymous reviewers. I appreciate it.**

 **Chapter 2**

 **Southampton, 2022**

As Kristin stood to go into her bedroom to start packing, she thought, _Bill's absolutely right_. _This_ _ **needs**_ _to happen. Things might be a little rocky at first, but by the end, everything will be fine, won't it?_ She gave a nod, trying to confirm it to herself and ignore the bubbling kernel of doubt in her gut.

But that was short-lived, because upon entering her room, she caught her reflection in the mirror and sighed. "Except you don't really believe that, do you?"

She shook her head. "I'm really trying to, but no amount of positive thinking is going to change what we're about to face. I _wish_ I had Bill's optimism, but I can't lie to myself either. Perhaps by the end, things will be fine, but in the beginning?" She sat down in front of the vanity, unable to stop her mind from imagining about a thousand different scenarios. They ran from yelling and screaming at her to downright ignoring her...and everything in between. Either way, none of them were very pleasant.

A slight shudder pulled her back to reality. _You can't think about that all now,_ she chastised herself before looking at the clock. She and Bill had spoken for over an hour, and she'd wasted a bit of time herself, so it was just after ten now. It was going to take her at least an hour to pack. _If not longer._

She glanced at her reflection again. "I'll deal with _you_ later. I'd like to be in bed by midnight."

 _•❤• _.❀•ǝʌol sᴉ sᴉɥʇ ɟᴉ•❀.•❤•__

It was nearly 11:30 by the time Kristin packed and double-checked she had everything she needed. _Well, at least it's a little earlier than I expected_ , she thought as she changed into her pajamas and went to bed. The moment she lay down, however, worries about the upcoming reunion filled her head. She tossed and turned in an effort to shake them, hoping to just forget about the _seaQuest_ situation and go to sleep, but that didn't seem to work.

 _"He was devastated after you left. You were the first woman he loved after Carol, and he **still** loves you,"_ Bill had told her. " _Oh, believe you me, he's healed, but I know he still loves you."_

She groaned and sat up. "I highly _doubt_ that," she muttered crossly. " _I_ don't even love me right now." Though she was somewhat relieved she hadn't completely destroyed all the friendships from her past, Bill's call had reminded her how much pain she'd caused when she left. She'd nearly forgotten how much it had hurt her, but it was never supposed to go as far as it did. She and Nathan were never supposed to become serious. Or that's what she'd told herself, but her heart had had other plans...

 _•❤• _.❀•ǝʌol sᴉ sᴉɥʇ ɟᴉ•❀.•❤•__

 **Pearl Harbor, 2019**

 _ _Though the first__ _ _ **seaQuest's**__ _ _destruction hadn't been something they'd planned, Kristin saw it as a sign from the heavens. Not that she wanted Nathan's dream destroyed, but she decided it meant the two of them shouldn't be a couple. They'd both waited until the last minute to act on their feelings, and the moment they had, disaster struck? The world was obviously warning them. After the dust had settled, she'd been prepared to move onto something else. Though she wasn't sure what that was, she'd decided to return to England while she figured out her next move. The night before she was supposed to leave, however, she received a call on the vid-phone.__

 _" _Westphalen," she answered out of habit, not bothering to look at the screen. "Erm, I'm sorry, I mean-"__

 _" _Kristin, it's me," Nathan said with a light laugh. "I didn't mean to get you flustered."__

 _ _She waved a hand and sheepishly said, "I'm just so used to..."__

 _" _I understand; I've been having the same problem myself. Uh, I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time. I know it's a little late. I just... Things have been a little busy these past couple of weeks, and I feel guilty I haven't gotten the chance to touch base with you."__

 _" _It's all right; I never go to bed this early. You know that. Things have been hectic for all of us, so I certainly didn't expect you to... Well, I'm sure you've got your hands full with the UEO. I doubt you've had a free moment for yourself." She paused, giving him a warm smile. "I understand, really."__

 _" _Maybe not, but I should have..." He sighed, a slight grimace marring his features. "Sorry. Look, the actual reason I was calling is I'd like to see you...on more than just the vid-link, that is."__

 _" _Oh, I see," she replied breathily. "I'd love nothing more, but I'm actually not going to be in town much longer. You see, I-"__

 _ _Nathan nodded. "Yes, that's exactly__ _ _ **why**__ _ _I'd like to see you. How about right now? You're not busy, are you?"__

 _" _Not particularly, but-"__

 _ _He didn't allow her to finish. "You're still at the Pearl Hotel, yes?"__

 _" _Y-yes, room number 422, but, Nathan, I'm not-"__

 _" _I'll be there in ten minutes. See you soon," he told her as the screen went blank.__

 _ _Kristin sighed. "See you soon," she muttered, glancing around at her room. She was still packing, so she had clothing and other things strewn about. "Guess I'd better tidy up a bit then."__

 _•❤• _.❀•ǝʌol sᴉ sᴉɥʇ ɟᴉ•❀.•❤•__

 _ _Ten minutes later exactly, Nathan knocked on Kristin's door. She did one last survey of the room, deciding it looked presentable enough, and then opened it.__

 _" _Hello, there," she said with a smile. "Why don't you-"__

 _ _Nathan didn't wait for her to finish. Instead, he pulled her into his arms and kissed her, pushing the door closed with his foot.__

 _ _They stayed that way for several long moments before the need for air became paramount.__

 _ _"Nathan, what," she said, trying to catch her breath, "was that for?"__

 _" _Don't go," he replied, panting for breath himself. "I...I don't want you to go."__

 _ _Her eyebrows knitted together in confusion as she gently wriggled out of his embrace. "I can't just... I've already made all the arrangements, and without the__ _ _ **seaQuest**__ _ _, I'm not sure there's anything more for me here..." She paused as a thought hit her. "Wait a minute. How did you even know I was leaving?"__

 _" _Lucas. I can't believe you were going to leave without saying goodbye. After everything, I thought..."__

 _ _She sighed, took his hand, and led him to the small sofa. "I'm sorry. It wasn't my ideal choice. I tried calling you a few times. I left messages with someone at the UEO offices, and I was always told you were in a meeting or that you were simply too busy to be bothered, but whoever answered always said they'd give you the messages. You'd never returned the calls, so naturally, I assumed... I thought you started to regret the fact that we..."__

 _" _No, Kristin, I could never..." He shook his head. "I never received any messages, and believe you me, I'll be giving the secretaries there a stern talking to about it. I promise if I'd known, I would have called you. I know I left you a bit in the dark, but I've just had so much going on, I-"__

 _ _She gave his hand a squeeze. "Nathan, it's all right. It's not as if we'd been dating for months. We had one almost-dinner and necked a bit. That doesn't exactly mean we were attached. We hadn't even discussed what exactly we were...are, so I don't think it really matters now. You don't owe me an explanation of any sort."__

 _" _No, you don't understand." He took her hands in his and looked into her eyes. "The only thing I regret is not acting on my feelings earlier. I had to be so damn stubborn and wait until the last minute. It was some bad timing, but it doesn't mean I want you out of my life. I love you, Kristin, and I promise I won't brush you aside again. Please," he said, squeezing her hands gently, "don't go."__

 _ _Her mouth fell open slightly. "Nathan, I... This is a little sudden. I...I'm not sure what to say."__

 _" _Say yes," he said, kissing her again. "I don't want to lose you."__

 _ _She thought for a long moment. "I don't want to lose you either. I...I love you, too, but as I said, all the arrangements have been made..."__

 _" _So cancel them. I'll help you make the calls if you'd like. Just don't leave."__

 _ _She bit her bottom lip. "Well, if I stay, I'd still need to find a job and a place to live. I can't stay at the Pearl Hotel forever..."__

 _ _He smiled softly. "So you're staying?"__

 _ _She nodded. "I honestly wasn't looking forward to going back home, but I wasn't sure where else to go."__

 _" _I can help with that," he told her. "First, let's make the cancellations, and then I'll explain everything."__

 _•❤• _.❀•ǝʌol sᴉ sᴉɥʇ ɟᴉ•❀.•❤•__

 **New Cape Quest, 2019**

 _ _Nathan's help came in the form of relocation, but since he was the one keeping Kristin in the States, she would have followed him anywhere. If they were dating but weren't living in the same area, there would have been no point. The UEO had decided that moving their headquarters from Pearl Harbor to New Cape Quest was better for them financially, especially when it came to the build for the new boat. For Kristin, that was actually ideal, since the labs and the hospital were far larger and more advanced than those in Pearl. They were also closer together, which meant less commuting for her.__

 _ _Though it was a little fast, Nathan and Kristin decided to move in together. In the beginning, they used separate bedrooms, especially with Lucas added into the mix. She and Nathan were both happy that Dr. Wolenczak agreed to let Lucas move as well, since he'd have business there from time to time. Besides, Lucas loved the__ _ _ **seaQuest**__ _ _as much as Nathan; there was no way he'd have been content staying behind.__

 _ _Not long after the move, they were one happy family. Nathan and Lucas would go off to the base to work on the build for the new boat, and Kristin divided her time between the labs and the hospital. Lucas also wasn't with them all the time. On weekends, he'd spend time with other crew members. Tim, Miguel, and Jonathan were kind enough to spend lots of time with him. Even Ben came to visit on occasion. And with that extra alone time, Nathan and Kristin got even closer. Eventually, they moved into one bedroom, and they lived that way for a few months.__

 _ _Soon after, though, Kristin noticed that look in Nathan's eyes. It was a look she'd seen many times before, the look of a man truly and hopelessly in love. When men were that in love, they only had one thing on their minds: marriage. She knew a ring was in her near future, and she couldn't have that. She'd been married four times before. She'd also been__ _ _ **divorced**__ _ _four times before. She really didn't want to add any more to that list, despite her feelings. She knew it was time to go. After Lucas and Nathan had gone off to work, she called in sick for the the day and began packing.__

 _ _The moment she started, however, she began to regret it. The thought of leaving cut her to her core.__

 _ _"I'm not sure I can go through with it after all," she said through tears.__

 _ _ **Then maybe you shouldn't**__ _ _, her heart replied.__ _ _ **If you're truly happy, why would you want to ruin that?**__

 _" _You know why we have to go. I was happy with all the others, too, until..." She shook her head. "No, it's better if we go now. We should never have let it get this far as it is."__

 _ _As she continued to pack, however, every piece of clothing felt as though it weighed a thousand pounds, every item bringing a new wave of fresh tears. After hours spent between deliberation and crying, she made her decision. She wiped the stray tears from her eyes and unpacked.__

 _ _ **Glad you see it my way for a change.**__

 _ _Kristin frowned. "I'm not staying forever. I just can't do it today. This...this can only be temporary. I'm just not ready yet."__

 _ _When Nathan returned home that evening, the first thing she did was wrap her arms around him. "I've missed you," she said, hugging him tightly.__

 _" _I've missed you, too," he replied, pulling away to look at her. "Kris? Have you been crying?"__

 _" _It's just been a long day," she told him, "but it's better now that you're here." She paused. "Where's Lucas?"__

 _" _Oh, the boys took him out bowling. He won't be home for hours. I suppose we could use that to our advantage," he said with a wink.__

 _ _She simply took his hand and led him to the bedroom.__

 _•❤• _.❀•ǝʌol sᴉ sᴉɥʇ ɟᴉ•❀.•❤•__

 _ _Another three months passed, and they were still incredibly happy. Kristin actually started to entertain the fact she could stay after all...until she found a small box stuffed in the back of Nathan's drawer while she was putting laundry away on her day off.__

 _" _Oh, no," she muttered, her hand trembling as she reached out to pick it up. She then shook her head. "Don't be silly. It could be anything. Just because it__ _ _ **looks**__ _ _like an engagement ring doesn't mean it **i**__ ** _ _s__** _ _. It could be something else." It could have been a military pin or medal for all she knew. She nodded, confirming it to herself. "Yes, that's it."__

 _ _Once she opened the box, however, her heart sank. "Damn it, no!" she cried softly, seeing the gold band with a diamond stud nestled in the black velvet and satin. "Oh, Nathan, you idiot, why did you do this? We never even discussed the possibility of marriage." She sighed as she closed the lid and put the ring back where she'd found it. "Well, that settles it."__

 _ _ **Settles what? You're not planning on leaving again, are you? I thought you were okay with this. I thought you loved Nathan.**__

 _" _Love isn't always enough," she said as she pulled out her suitcase. "And I thought you'd understand. You were there with all the others, weren't you? You saw what happened."__

 _ _ **But that doesn't mean the same thing will happen again. Nathan's not like that. Maybe if you talked to him about all this, he-**__

 _ _She shook her head. "No, I'd rather not tempt fate. I've been down that road too many times before, and I love him too much to let him go through that. Eventually, he'll be glad to be rid of me. Now, if you'll kindly be quiet, I've got too much to do to argue with you. We've only got a few hours. I want to be long gone by the time he arrives home."__

 _•❤• _.❀•ǝʌol sᴉ sᴉɥʇ ɟᴉ•❀.•❤•__

 **Southampton, 2022**

Kristin hugged herself as she cried quietly. Though now that the wounds of the past were reopened, she blamed herself for it all...or rather, she blamed her heart. "You...you just couldn't help yourself, could you? You knew we weren't supposed to fall for him, and now look where it's got you," she said through her tears. "You're absolutely hopeless."

 _It takes two to tango, you know **,**_ her heart reminded her.

She sighed shakily. All right, so maybe Nathan did ignite the spark, but she'd been the one who gave in, despite telling herself she couldn't possibly get involved with anyone else. Prior to her CMO position on the _seaQuest_ , Kristin had told herself she was likely swearing off men for good. She was getting too old to play the love game, especially since she found herself on the losing end of it far too many times.

Then she met Nathan Bridger. All it took was for him to catch her eye, and her knees turned to jelly. She fell for him fast and hard, but she hadn't let him know that right away. If he hadn't expressed interest in her, she could have carried on with her one-sided crush without any problem whatsoever. It wasn't as though Nathan would have been the wiser, as she'd been very good at keeping herself in check...at least in the beginning.

Nathan had acted as though he wanted her, but then he suddenly seemed to change his mind. Naturally, she'd assumed she'd been wrong about him, told herself she must have misinterpreted his signals, that she'd mistaken the friendship for something more. That had actually been better in the long run. She'd resigned herself to loving him from a distance, but her heart had been so thrilled at the idea of being with someone that she couldn't stand to be alone. That's when Malcolm came into the picture.

Had she met Malcolm Lansdowne before she met Nathan Bridger, Kristin couldn't imagine herself being remotely attracted to him. She and Malcolm were opposite in many ways, and while opposites attract, she wasn't sure that would have been enough to satisfy her. But Malcolm was a charmer, and when your heart was on the rebound, charming satisfied. She knew full well the relationship wouldn't be long-term, and she suspected Malcolm knew it too, but she dove in, no pun intended, in an attempt to fill the void in her heart.

Once the relationship started, however, Kristin had been looking for a way out. Oh, she'd enjoyed Malcolm's company, but his disorganization bugged the hell out of her, among other things. Though she hadn't expected to be confronted on sea deck by a jealous Nathan, that was her way out. She'd gladly sent Malcolm on his way. If Nathan Bridger wanted her, she vowed to make herself available to him, but that didn't come without reservations. She'd needed time to think about it, decide if it was what she'd truly wanted. Naturally, she'd tried to talk herself out of it at first, remembering her self-inflicted ultimatum.

That had been ideal, since Nathan seemed to get cold feet again as well. Well, maybe it hadn't been cold feet exactly. They'd just been so busy with their work that pursuing a romance fell by the wayside. Occasionally, they shared a few kisses but nothing more...until the end of the tour when Nathan finally made his move.

Kristin hadn't quite complained about that, though. After a bit of humming and hawing, she'd admitted how much she wanted him. Her heart had leaped for joy when Nathan led her to his bunk. Had Lucas not interrupted them, she was sure they'd have ended up in a rather compromising position. And though they did eventually take that step, they'd both said they were happy they'd been interrupted that day. Had it not been Lucas, the world nearly blowing up would have done it instead.

She shook her head at it all now, though. Damn her heart. "If only I hadn't been so stupid," she said, nearly choking on the bitter taste of the words. "If only I'd been able to stop myself, to know that getting involved with Nathan was a mistake..."

But the problem was she couldn't stop herself. Once Nathan had lit that spark within her, she'd have done anything to stoke those fires. That feeling of being in love was so addicting, she'd started to realize she couldn't live without it. It was as vital as oxygen.

"You just had to go and ruin everything for me, didn't you? You just couldn't leave well enough alone."

She took a tissue from her bedside table and dabbed at her eyes. "Of course, if I'd have stuck it out, this wouldn't be happening now, would it? You've made your own bed, and now you're going to have to lie in it. If only..."

"No, don't do this to yourself," she said, reaching over to turn on the lamp. "You know _why_ you had to leave; don't second-guess yourself now. This was for the best, and you know it."

 _Was it?_ She chewed nervously on her bottom lip. "Well, at least at the time, it seemed like it was. But if you hadn't left, you know full well it would have ended in tragedy."

She'd never had very good luck in the relationship department, so why should her romance with Nathan Bridger have been any different? "You're absolutely right, but why doesn't that make me _feel_ any better?"

 _Because you know you still-_

"Don't say it!" she cried. "If you already know why, then it doesn't matter anyway, does it?"

 _I suppose not, but..._

"This isn't really helping." Tired of arguing with herself, she pushed herself out of bed and glanced at the clock, seeing it was past midnight now. "So much for getting a good night's sleep," she said with a groan, catching her reflection in the mirror again. "You just couldn't let me forget, could you?"

 _You did say you'd deal with **me** later..._

Kristin sat down on the vanity stool with a slump. "I'm not ready for this, you know."

 _It's a little late for that, darling. Unless you've got a plan to get us out of this, we're stuck._

She shook her head. "I don't really have a good excuse, and everyone at the lab is counting on me. I just feel so..."

 _Alone? Guilty? Afraid?_

She buried her head in her hands. "All of the above and then some. I just don't..." She felt tears sting her eyes once again. "If Nathan... What if...?" Kristin knew she wasn't going to get any sleep this way, but she just couldn't stop worrying. Or wondering if anything would ever fill the deep hole inside her. "I don't know what else to do."

 _Just give in and let it out. It's what you need._

She cried quietly. "Oh, Nathan, I wish..." She trailed off as her soft cries turned into violent sobs.

 _•❤• _.❀•ǝʌol sᴉ sᴉɥʇ ɟᴉ•❀.•❤•__

"Damn it," Kristin swore under her breath when she awoke to the sound of the alarm. She didn't remember much from the night before, beyond having an emotional meltdown. Apparently, at some point, she'd moved to the floor, because that was where she slept. She was now paying the price, because her stiff body moaned in protest at every movement.

"Serves you right," she muttered as she stumbled across the room to slap off the obnoxious alarm. She hoped a hot shower would help her muscles relax. She walked into the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror. "My God, Kristin, you look like hell." Dark circles rimmed her eyes, and her face was red and puffy from crying.

 _Ugh, well, let's hope that shower does miracles._

Twenty minutes later, Kristin was washed and dressed, her muscles a little less achy than they were before. Upon looking in the mirror once again, her face looked mostly presentable, but not even the shower could erase the dark circles. She frowned and dabbed some concealer under her eyes and rubbed it in. _There, that looks a little better,_ she thought with a nod. And even if it didn't, she really didn't have time to worry about it. She needed to get her car packed if she expected to be at the docks on time.

 _•❤• _.❀•ǝʌol sᴉ sᴉɥʇ ɟᴉ•❀.•❤•__

 **Southampton Docks**

When Kristin arrived at the docks, she was relieved to find the launch wasn't there yet, despite her watch saying she was five minutes late. _Maybe it won't show up and I can forget this whole mess?_ she thought hopefully.

A moment later, she shook her head. _No way am I **that** lucky._

Just as she was lugging her bags out of the trunk, the launch pulled onto shore. She half-expected to see Chief Crocker open the hatch. More than anything, she hoped to see a familiar face to ease her mind. Instead, she saw a young, handsome sailor walk up to her with a warm smile.

"I understand you're looking to hitch a ride," he said with a light laugh, holding out his hand in greeting. "Lieutenant Jim Brody."

She took it and gave it a shake. "It looks that way, Mr. Brody. Dr. Kristin Westphalen. Nice to meet you."

"Likewise," he told her, moving in front of her and picking up her heavy bags like they were nothing. "But please, call me Jim, Doctor." He paused and gave her a look, making Kristin feel self-conscious under his scrutiny. "Forgive me for saying so, but you look very familiar. We haven't met before, have we?"

"I don't think so," she said with a shake of her head, "but actually, I-"

"That's it! I've seen you in photos."

She felt a rush of heat to her cheeks. Did Nathan still have photos of her? She made sure to keep her voice neutral. "You have?"

"Yeah, Lucas has some on his wall. You were the CMO on the first boat?"

She nodded, relief washing over her upon hearing it was Lucas, not Nathan. "That's why the secretary general was so eager to have me, since I know the ropes, so to speak."

"Yeah, that makes sense," he replied as he set her bags down in front of the hatch and held out his hand to help her inside. "Then I don't need to worry about you not having your sea legs."

She accepted his hand and stepped inside, glad to see it wasn't launch MR-7. Launch MR-6 had always been a much better number for her anyway. "Not at all. Though it's been a little while, I think it's like riding a bicycle."

"That's what they say," he said with a nod. "Since you've been through this before, just have a seat. I'll get your bags secured, and I'll see you shortly."

"Thank you, Mr.-" She cleared her throat. "Uh, I mean, Jim. Thank you, Jim."

"Sure thing, Doc. Sure thing."

As Kristin moved to her seat and strapped in, she finally released the breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. Her meeting with Mr. Brody had been fairly painless, so it was a pleasant start to the day. If that was going to be the precedent, then her stint on the _seaQuest_ was going to be much easier than she'd thought. _Let's hope so,_ she thought, crossing her fingers.

 _•❤• _.❀•ǝʌol sᴉ sᴉɥʇ ɟᴉ•❀.•❤•__

 **Launch MR-6**

The next thing Kristin knew, Lieutenant Brody was gently shaking her shoulder. "Dr. Westphalen, wake up. We're here."

"Huh?" she muttered as her eyes fluttered open and she looked around. Becoming aware of her surroundings, her cheeks warmed. "Oh, I...I am so sorry. I didn't mean-" She ran a hand through her hair. "I didn't sleep very well last night, and I guess I-"

Jim waved a hand. "It's all right, really. The fact you slept the whole way here shows you trust my driving skills. It's good to know someone does," he said with a wink.

Kristin tried to laugh as she unhooked her seat belt. "Maybe so, but I obviously wasn't a very good traveling partner. You must have been bored to tears."

He shook his head. "Nah, it gave me a chance to take in the scenery and listen to some great tunes. Besides, I'm sure we'll have lots of time to get to know one another while you're here."

She nodded. "Of course, but, um, could you do me a favor?"

"We've known each other for all of five minutes, and you're already asking me for favors?" he said with mock surprise, a hand to his chest. "I don't know, Doc, depends on what it is."

"I can see you're going to be trouble," she said with a laugh.

"You have no idea," he replied, "but believe it or not, _I'm_ the good one. It's Tony you need to watch out for."

"I'll remember that, but I'll be fine. Have you heard of Ben Krieg?"

"I've heard a thing or two, yeah," Jim replied.

"Well, after him, I think anyone else would be a walk in the park." Kristin's shoulders lifted in a slight shrug. "And I have to say, you are helping me relax a bit. You see, I'm a little nervous about seeing everyone I used to know."

Jim's brow rose. "Really? Oh, Doc, I wouldn't worry. Believe me, I've heard so many good things about you. Everyone's going to be thrilled to see you, and I promise, the new ones are easy to get along with. Tony might be a little naughty, but he's a good guy, I promise."

"Right," she said with a nod. "I'm sure they're all lovely, and I know the old ones are too, but... I just didn't know if they'd want an old reminder of their past is all. We didn't always have the best of times, you see." She sighed. "I was just wondering... Could you not spread it around that I'm here, please? I wanted it to be a surprise, and if you go telling the others..."

"I understand, Doc. I promise my lips are sealed. Now, why don't we go inside? Dr. Smith is supposed to be waiting for you." He gave her arm a squeeze. "And don't worry about a thing. Everything will be just fine."

She offered him a smile, mainly to stop herself from bursting into tears, albeit happy ones. "Thank you, Jim. That's really very sweet of you."

"Anytime, Doc. I'll go get your bags, and then we'll head inside."

 _•❤• _.❀•ǝʌol sᴉ sᴉɥʇ ɟᴉ•❀.•❤•__

 _ _ **seaQuest**__ **, North Sea, near the Norwegian Trench**

Kristin was thankful she wasn't walking through those launch bay doors alone. She wasn't sure who might be waiting on the other side, and if Nathan were there, she might need Lieutenant Brody to catch her when she fainted. Or at least she felt as though she were going to fall over. She felt light-headed, and her legs felt like stalks of straw. But she couldn't stay in the launch all day, much as she might like. She took several deep, calming breaths, shut her eyes tightly, and pushed her way through the doors. The moment she heard her name being called, she risked a peek and was both surprised and relieved to see Nathan wasn't there. She turned to see a younger woman with shoulder-length dark hair and piercing blue eyes. Though she wasn't wearing a lab coat, Kristin guessed she was Wendy.

"Dr. Westphalen?" she said again, holding out her hand. "I'm Dr. Wendy Smith. I'm so pleased to make your acquaintance. The secretary general has told me so much about you; I feel like I know you already. Then again, I'm familiar with your work. It's such an honor to meet you, really." She laughed nervously. "And I realize I'm bombarding you. Sorry, I'm just so excited to have you here. How was your trip?"

"Just fine," Jim replied for her, Kristin's bags in his hands. "She was in good hands, and she was a model passenger. I barely remembered she was there." He flashed Kristin a grin.

Kristin nodded, returning the smile. "Yes, he was a perfect gentleman, I assure you." She turned and looked down the corridor but didn't see anyone she recognized. "Mr. Brody-"

Jim cleared his throat.

"Um, Jim and I have already become friends. He's a good man."

"Yes, he is," Wendy replied, placing a hand on her arm. "I know you're probably eager to see your old friends, but most of the senior staff is in a meeting at the moment. Captain Bridger said he'll stop in later to greet the new scientist." She lowered her voice and leaned in close. "And don't worry, he doesn't suspect a thing, Doctor."

Kristin felt her cheeks go warm, but she offered a smile. "That's very good, thank you. It's just been so long, I-"

"I understand, really. I'm sure everyone will be _thrilled_ to have you here."

Kristin stifled an unladylike snort; she still had her doubts.

"Lucas talks about you all the time. But I promise, we're not going to keep you in launch bay all day, Dr. Westphalen, so what would you rather do first? Would you rather see the labs and med bay or would you rather see the rest of the boat first?" Wendy asked. "Or would you rather be shown to your room first?"

"Uh, well..." Kristin thought for a moment. Knowing Nathan was in a meeting meant she'd have a reprieve for the time being, and if she went traipsing about the boat, that meant she could bump into him unexpectedly. "I think I'll see the labs first, my room second, the rest of the boat last."

Wendy gave a nod. "I was actually hoping you'd say that. Jim will take your bags to your room, and you can follow me."

Kristin did so, but on the way there, she got to see a little bit of the new boat. It definitely reminded her of the old boat in some ways, but it was still very different. The one thing she noticed was Darwin swimming through the aqua tubes, and just that made her feel at home. She hadn't realized how much she'd missed that dolphin, and she wondered if he felt the same...or even remembered her. She was so lost in her own world that she didn't even see who approached them.

"Wendy, do I do it now?"

Kristin turned towards the voice and was somewhat surprised to see a very large GELF holding a bouquet of homemade flowers.

"I think now's as good a time as any," Wendy replied, putting an arm around around his shoulders and gently leading him forward. "Dr. Westphalen, this is Dagwood. Dagwood, this is Dr. Westphalen."

Dagwood thrust the flowers towards Kristin. "Wendy said you'd enjoy these. I didn't have any real ones, so I made them for you. I did the same thing a few months ago for Dr. Smith's birthday."

"Oh, thank you, Dagwood. She's right, I love them. I couldn't think of a nicer present; I'll never have to worry about watering them." She took his hand in greeting. "And you can call me Kristin, by the way." She then turned to Wendy. "And you, too. I've been meaning to tell you that."

Wendy nodded. "Kristin, you got it."

"Kristin," Dagwood replied. "I'll remember that. It's very pretty."

She laughed softly. "Thank you."

"Well, I better get back to work; the boat won't clean itself, you know. I'm sure I'll see you around. Bye," he said with a wave.

"Bye, Dagwood," Kristin said, waving back.

As soon as he walked away, Wendy turned to her. "Dagwood's very special."

"I can see that, though I can't help but wonder..."

"How a GELF came to live on the _seaQuest_?" Wendy finished for her. "I think it's the UEO's way of trying to make peace with them, for everything they've done to them." She shrugged. "They assigned him to custodial duties here, but he's more than just the janitor. He's one of us."

Kristin nodded. "And I wouldn't expect anything less. Secretary General Noyce assured me he made some positive changes in the last few years. I suppose that's one of them."

"I'd say so," Wendy said, turning back to her. "Well, are you ready to see the labs?"

"Definitely."

"Follow me, then. You can put those flowers in my office for now and pick them up later if you'd like."


	3. I Don't Need You And Your Antidote

**Chapter 3**

 _ **seaQuest**_

"...and this is the moon pool," Wendy said as they entered sea deck.

Kristin was in awe. While things looked similar to the old boat, both medbay and the labs had gotten a great many upgrades. They were much larger, and the upgrades were exactly what she'd wished for when she was CMO.

Wendy leaned over the side, picked up the vocoder, and pressed a few buttons. "And I think you might remember Darwin?"

As if on cue, Darwin immediately swam to the surface, clicking and squeaking excitedly.

"Of course," Kristin replied with a nod, "but I'm not sure if he re-"

"Darwin play. Wendy, Dr. Kristin play."

"Oh, I'm pretty sure he remembers you," Wendy said with a laugh. She grabbed a red ball from a basket near the side of the pool. "Since you're still getting acquainted with the boat, I really didn't expect to do much work today. You've seen the entire science and medbay area now, and Darwin wants to play. I say we ought to indulge him. What do you say?" She held the ball out for Kristin.

"I say that sounds like a wonderful idea," she replied, taking the ball from Wendy and throwing the it into the pool for Darwin. "For a little while anyway."

 _•❤• _.❀•ǝʌol sᴉ sᴉɥʇ ɟᴉ•❀.•❤•__

Kristin wasn't sure how long she and Wendy played with Darwin, but she was really enjoying blowing off a bit of steam. Wendy must have sensed this, because she never once suggested they call it quits. Kristin guessed they'd been at it for at least half an hour. She was so engrossed in their game that she didn't even see Nathan approach the moon pool from behind her.

"I can see you're hard at work here."

"Oh!" Kristin nearly jumped out of her skin when she realized Nathan was less than a few feet away from her. She froze and shut her eyes tightly, half-expecting him to lash out at her as soon as he saw her.

"I can see our guest scientist has become well-acquainted with Darwin."

Her heart skipped a beat as that achingly familiar voice washed over her, his velvety voice tickling her ear. She could hear a shimmer of amusement in Nathan's tone. Her teeth sank into her bottom lip as she risked a quick glance at his face, seeing how his enjoyment twinkled back at her in the depths of his eyes and the way his lips curled into a slight smile.

 _Lips,_ she recalled as she drew in a shaky breath and willed her heart to slow down, _I can still feel pressed to mine, lips that burned trails down my neck, brought me to the heights of passion, made me-_

She gave a sobering shake of her head. _What the **hell** are you doing?_ _Stop that this instant!_ she told herself. _I have no right to be thinking about any of that now, not after what I've done!_ She stole another peek at Nathan.

He still hadn't looked in her direction; instead, he walked around the pool to stand beside Wendy. He leaned over the side and reached out to pet Darwin. "I hope you've been on your best behavior, my friend."

Darwin nodded his head. "Darwin good. Darwin play. Wendy play. Dr. Kristin play."

Nathan's brow furrowed in question as he finally made eye contact with Kristin, his mouth falling open in disbelief. "Kristin? You... _You're_ the guest scientist?"

 _Not quite the reaction I expected, but at least he doesn't seem angry...yet._ "Y-yes, um, it appears that way," she said quietly, lowering her gaze to the floor as an awkward silence fell around them.

Wendy was the first to break it. "Uh, you know, I better go check on something in medbay and let you two get reacquainted," she said before quickly retreating from the area.

Kristin looked up and watched her leave. _No, wait! Don't leave me alone with him!_ she thought, bringing a hand to her head. _As if she can hear you, idiot. You really need to get a-_

Her train of thought stopped short when she felt Nathan's gentle touch on her shoulder. She instantly felt the icy hands of panic wrap around her chest, around her throat, tightening its grip until she could hardly breathe. Her heart pounded in her chest so loudly, she was sure he could hear it too. She shut her eyes tightly, too afraid to look at him and gripped the side of the pool because her legs were doing that Jello thing again.

"Kristin, are you all right?"

She nodded, but the shudder that went through her body betrayed her. She opened her mouth to speak but found herself short of breath. _Oh, no, not now._ "I... Nathan, I..."

 _Come on, get a **grip** on yourself._ She took a few deep breaths, trying her best to calm down, when she felt something brush against her hand. She looked down and saw Darwin. The dolphin nuzzled her hand again, and she realized he was trying his best to comfort her. She smiled softly and ran her hand down his silky wet skin a few times. After several moments, she noticed her breathing had returned to a more normal pace. She swallowed hard and then offered Nathan a weak smile. "S-sorry, I-"

Nathan put his arm around her shoulders. "Kris, you're shaking. Are you okay?" he asked again, his voiced laced with concern.

"I'm just a little...a little nervous. I..." Her voice suddenly cracked, causing her to frown. She cleared her throat and attempted to speak again. "I just..."

Nathan simply pulled her into his arms. "Shh, it's all right. You don't have to be... It's just me. I'm still the same person. I'm just so happy you're here. I've missed you so."

Though the embrace took her by surprise, she returned it and laid her head on his shoulder. "I...I've missed you, too," she whispered.

And that wasn't a lie. Though she'd told herself she couldn't be with him, that didn't mean she didn't long to have him with her. For a brief moment, the world seemed to stop. It was as if nothing had ever changed between them. She sighed happily and shut her eyes, tightening her hold on him.

After a few minutes, however, her heart suddenly fluttered in her chest, reminding her that she shouldn't get too comfortable. _What are you doing, Kristin?_ she asked herself. _So much for not letting your emotions get the better of you._ She frowned at her indiscretion and gently pulled away. She turned back towards the pool and ran a hand through her hair, trying to think of something to say. "I...I love what you've done with the place...well, medbay and the science labs anyway. I haven't quite seen the rest of the boat yet, but if this is anything to go on, I'm sure it's lovely."

He smiled softly. "I'm glad you approve. Believe it or not, I did design the medical and science area with you in mind. You were always saying how there was never enough space, so I put that advice to good use." He paused, giving a shake of his head. "I just can't believe Bill didn't tell me it was you, though. I just spoke to him yesterday."

"Welcome to the club," she muttered under her breath.

His brow furrowed. "What?"

"Sorry, I mean I just spoke to him yesterday myself when he called to confirm that all the arrangements were in order," she said with a shrug. "I suppose he didn't tell you because I'd mentioned I wanted this to be a surprise."

"Well, it certainly was, but we're glad to have you. I'm sure you'll make yourself at home."

"She better," Wendy said, entering sea deck once again. "I intend to make sure you feel welcome here. My medbay is your medbay, Doctor. And of course, so are my science labs."

"Indeed," Nathan replied, putting an arm around Wendy's shoulders. "There's no reason to feel nervous. I hope you're feeling a bit more relaxed now."

"Yes, it was silly of me to worry, I suppose." _But given the way we parted, can you blame me?_ she added silently, wondering why he hadn't brought it up yet. Then again, they'd only been talking for a short while. _Surely, he'll ask, won't he?_

 _When he does, you're going to tell him the truth, aren't you?_ her heart asked.

 _I'd like to but..._ She'd been up half the night wondering how she was going to handle it, but she hadn't come to a conclusion yet. Then again, she couldn't come up with a good excuse to explain it either. _I'm still deciding. Maybe it won't come up at all._

 _You're joking, right? You actually think he won't ask? You're delusional._

Kristin shook her head; she knew she was kidding herself. Of course he was going to ask, and she'd have to say something when the time came. She cast a glance in his direction. How in the world was she going to explain the fact she loved him but couldn't be with him? He'd ask questions, expect an explanation. And if he knew the truth, what's to say he wouldn't talk her out of it? What's to-

"...and I'm hoping you'll be impressed with our recent scientific discoveries," Wendy said. "I just hope we live up to your standards, Doctor. The captain tells me you used to run quite a tight ship."

Kristin waved a hand, deciding she ought to try to pay attention to the conversation at hand. "Oh, you needn't worry about impressing me. I'm your guest here. It's not as though I'm here to check up on you."

Wendy nodded. "Maybe not, but I just feel like I've had some big shoes to fill, and..."

As Wendy continued to speak, Kristin couldn't stop her mind from wandering. The way Wendy looked at him, and the way he responded in kind. It seemed vaguely familiar. _Surely, they don't... No, they couldn't._

But then Nathan whispered something in Wendy's ear, and she giggled like a schoolgirl. _Or perhaps I was wrong. Maybe they are..._ Bill's words suddenly came floating back to her. _"Believe you me, he's healed."_

 _Apparently, but I can't believe Bill wouldn't tell me he was with someone else,_ she thought, feeling a sting of bitterness. _Then again, maybe he doesn't know. It's not as though Nathan and I were forthcoming about our relationship status in the beginning either. We weren't even honest with ourselves, let alone anyone else._ She turned back to the moon pool, searching for Darwin, hoping to distract herself for the moment, but the dolphin had swam away, causing her to sigh. _Too bad, but good for them. At least Nathan finally-_

"Kristin, did you hear me?"

Nathan's voice suddenly pulled her back to the conversation, and she felt an instant rush of heat to her cheeks. "Um, sorry, what?"

"I offered to show you to your room and give you a tour of the boat. I've got the afternoon off, and I thought it might be a nice way for us to catch up. What do you say?"

Before she could answer, Wendy placed a hand on her arm. "Are you feeling all right?" she asked, her voice laced with concern. "Forgive me for saying so, but you don't look like you're feeling very well."

She offered her a weak smile. "I...I'm fine, really. I just didn't sleep very well last night, so I suppose I was lost in my own little world for a moment." She turned to Nathan. "Uh, I suppose that would be fine."

"Perfect," Nathan told her. "Uh, if you could just excuse us for a moment; it'll just take a second." He put his arm around Wendy again, and led her a few feet away.

The two of them spoke in low tones, causing Kristin to feel a sudden flash of jealousy. _Yes, definitely a couple. He'll apparently screw **anything** in a lab coat._

She instantly felt guilty for her wicked thought. _And why shouldn't he move on? You left **him** , remember? And Wendy seems perfectly lovely. You should be happy for them; in fact, this just makes it all the better for us, doesn't it?_ She gave herself a nod of confirmation. _Yes, this will work out perfectly._

A few moments later, Nathan approached her again. "Sorry about that. Just a private matter of discussion. You remember what that's like, I'm sure."

Kristin waved a hand. "Of course. No need to apologize."

"Well, are you ready, Doctor?" he asked.

She looked at Wendy. "I think so, unless you need me for anything else?"

"No, but you don't want to forget your flowers," Wendy reminded her.

"Oh, that's right. I can't forget those. I'll be just a few minutes," she said to Nathan.

"I'll wait right here," he promised.

 _•❤• _.❀•ǝʌol sᴉ sᴉɥʇ ɟᴉ•❀.•❤•__

Now that she knew that Wendy and Nathan were a couple, Kristin felt much better than she had before. Her reunion with Nathan was rather painless, despite a few hiccups, and even if he asked her why she left, he probably wouldn't think twice about her answer now. _I might even be able to tell him the truth,_ she mused.

 _You should tell him the truth anyway,_ her heart said. _Keeping secrets takes up a **lot** of energy. I know that firsthand. _

Kristin sighed. _You're such a killjoy._

 _Maybe, but I get the feeling you're not going to listen to me._

She was still undecided. Her heart may have had a point, but if Nathan and Wendy were together, the truth might put a damper on that. She had no intentions of ruining that now. And if she told a little white lie, once she thought of one, that was, what would it hurt?

 _It would hurt you._

Kristin frowned. _I'm not really concerned about me right now. I'll be fine. I always am. And in the end, maybe Nathan and I could be friends. Bill might be right after all._

 _But you don't-_

"Right in here," Wendy told her, motioning to a door at the end of the corridor right off medbay.

Kristin was grateful for the interruption, but she her internal struggle raged on. _Look, can't you just call it quits for now? I've got enough to deal with as it is._

 _Fine, have it your way, but this isn't over._

She sighed. Of course, it wouldn't be, but she and Nathan being friends didn't seem so bad after all. _Oh, but would Wendy mind that?_ she wondered as she followed Wendy inside her office. _Does she know that Nathan and I used to..._

The shutting door pulled her back to reality, causing her to jump slightly.

"Sorry," Wendy told her as she retrieved the flowers from her desk. "I didn't mean to scare you, but...I was hoping we could talk for a few minutes."

Kristin nodded. _Of course she knows, and now she wants to discuss it. Makes perfect sense._ "Right, I expected this, and I want you to know I don't plan on stepping on your toes at all while I'm here. I understand that you-"

Wendy held up her hands. "N-no, that's not what I meant. Just listen for a moment, please."

"Sorry," she muttered.

Wendy wrung her hands together. "You see, there's something you should know about me. I'm a telepath and an empath. I promise you, I'd never scan you or anyone else without permission, but that doesn't mean I don't hear things sometimes. It's not exactly something I can control, and I wasn't trying to deceive you by not mentioning it right away, but it's not usually something I lead with. I mean, hi, I'm Wendy and I can read your mind and feel your emotions isn't exactly the best way to meet people, if you know what I mean."

"Oh, Wendy, it's all right. I...I don't mind. I'm not sure why you were so worried about telling me, but I'm not the sort of person who'd... I'm very open-minded, I assure you." She offered her a gentle smile. "I appreciate your honesty, but you've got nothing to worry about, really."

"Y-yes, I sensed that, but I'm afraid you don't quite understand. I...I, um, heard some things from you...out by the moon pool," Wendy told her.

"Oh..." Kristin lowered her gaze as a sticky film of guilt coated her insides, recalling her unkind thoughts. "I see. Uh, what...what did you _hear_ exactly?"

"Just a few little things... Nothing worth mentioning, except..." She bit her bottom lip. "I feel like you should know one thing."

Kristin sighed. "Wendy, it's all right. I've already seen how you and Nathan... I don't need to be a telepath to know that you two are very happy together, and I don't plan to stand in the way of that."

But Wendy shook her head. "That's just it, though. You're wrong. Nathan and I are just friends."

"He and I said the same thing in the beginning. I promise I won't let your secret out."

In a move that surprised Kristin, Wendy gently grabbed her by the shoulders. "Would you listen for a minute? There is no secret."

Kristin's brow furrowed. "I'm sorry?"

"Let's just say I'm not the one Nathan wants to screw, got it?" she said, finally releasing her. "The captain and I... When the tour first started, we thought there might be something there, but it was just an infatuation...mostly one-sided on _my_ part. But once he and I talked about it, I realized how silly it was. I'm not... He's really not my type, and I can feel he's still in love with someone else."

"Oh..." Kristin replied, running a shaky hand through her hair. Was it hot in here? "Oh, my... I..."

Wendy put a comforting arm around her shoulders. "I didn't mean to get you flustered, but I feel like I should tell you I know about your past with the captain, just what he's told me, that is.. I don't know everything, and I...I'm not here to pry or tell you what to do. It's really not my business, but I'd just like you to know if you need to talk, I'm here for you. I... While I'm a medical doctor, I have an extensive background in psychology..."

 _Oh, God, just what you need, Kristin. This day just keeps getting better and better._ But she also knew that Wendy was just trying to help, so she did her best to remain kind. "Thank you," she said, offering her a weak smile. "I appreciate that."

"And if you're concerned about what else I might hear, um, it helps if you imagine a brick wall around your mind. I do the same thing, but it's not exactly a fool-proof system. Things slip out on occasion."

"Thank you, I'll try to remember that," she replied, still feeling rather awkward.

Wendy reached out and gave her hand a squeeze. "I just hope you enjoy your time here and that everything works out between you two, even if you just remain friends."

Kristin started to wonder if there was a conspiracy going on here. _Did Bill send the entire crew a memo about us?_ "That...that means a lot to hear you say that."

"Well, I won't keep you. I think the captain has waited long enough, wouldn't you say?"

 _•❤•.❀•ǝʌol sᴉ sᴉɥʇ ɟᴉ•❀.•❤•_

Nathan leaned against the side of the moon pool, deep in thought. He was still in shock that Kristin was actually here. Admittedly, he never expected to see her again, but he certainly wasn't disappointed that fate had other plans. However, he couldn't be sure Kristin was as delighted as he. The poor thing looked like a deer caught in headlights since the minute she'd laid eyes on him. Well, he assumed he was the cause of that anyway. She seemed to be rather relaxed until he'd entered sea deck.

He sighed. He desperately wanted to talk to her, to find out just what had been going through her head the day she left, but he was afraid of scaring her off. Since he'd met her, he learned they were more alike than meets the eye. One unfortunate flaw they both possessed was the fact that they tended to retreat when things got a little too overwhelming in the emotional department. The difference was in how they executed these retreats, though.

Naturally, his method was literal, the very reason he'd purchased a private island in the first place. While its original purpose hadn't been to cut himself off from the entire world, it came in handy when he felt it had betrayed him. If Bill hadn't come to pull him off his island, he likely would have remained there forever. Of course, he was much happier the way things were now, but he still enjoyed short retreats there. They kept him sane and balanced.

Kristin's method, however, was figurative...well, up until she'd walked out his door, that is. But once they'd started having long, late-night chats, it didn't take him long to figure her out. Sure, to everyone else, she was the tough-as-nails doctor who would give anyone who challenged her hell and didn't seem to give a damn what anyone else thought of her, but that was just a facade to hide her true self. Why she felt she had to put on a front, he could never be sure. He'd asked her once or twice, but she'd always skirt around the issue and change the subject. That's when he'd learned how much alike they really were; when things were too emotionally difficult for her to handle for whatever reason, she'd clam up in order to protect herself; she hid who she really was until she became comfortable enough to reveal the truth.

If he wanted any truthful communication from her, he was going to have to make her feel comfortable with him again. _Try to appear nonthreatening,_ he told himself. _Show her you care, but don't overwhelm her._

As she walked onto sea deck, though, he frowned, seeing she was still wearing that same deer-in-headlights expression.

"S-sorry to have kept you," she said quietly, clutching the homemade flowers.

 _Did her chin just quiver? She looks like she could cry at any moment. Don't screw this up, Bridger._ He offered her a smile. "It's all right. I was just enjoying some peace and quiet." He motioned to the flowers. "Those are lovely."

She nodded. "They were a present from Dagwood."

He noticed the fact she refused to look at him, but he hoped that would change in due time. "I thought I recognized his handiwork. I'm glad he took the time to make you feel welcome."

She ran her fingers along the homemade petals, avoiding his gaze. "Y-yes, he seems very sweet."

He groaned inwardly. _Is this not the most uncomfortable conversation ever?_ _You've got to think of a way to break the tension._ Unfortunately, he was at a loss and hoped inspiration would hit him on the way to her room. He motioned to the corridor on the right. "Well, uh, right this way. Similar to the first boat, the crew quarters are on decks C and D, so your room's not too far from the science area."

"Oh, how nice," came her quick response.

He sighed. She wasn't going to make this very easy, was she? Then again, he couldn't blame her. If he were in her shoes and reuniting with an ex he'd walked out on, he'd be nervous too. Maybe a bit of small talk would help her relax? "So how was the trip here?"

She startled slightly and turned to him. "Oh, it was fine, thank you. It was very...peaceful. Lieutenant Brody was very kind to me."

"I'm glad. I'd wring his neck otherwise," he replied with a laugh, hoping Kristin would join in, only that wasn't the case. Upon looking at her, he noticed she still wore that same frightened expression. He paused. "Kristin, are you all right?"

"Yes, I'm fine," she replied.

 _That seemed a little too automatic,_ he noted. _She definitely is **not** fine._ This was not how he expected this conversation to go. Sure, he expected there to be some awkwardness, but he didn't expect getting her to talk about simple things would be like pulling teeth. She'd said she felt better, but she certainly wasn't acting like it now. "I'm glad to hear it," he told her, offering her a smile.

She gave him a nod and half a smile back.

 _Better than nothing, I suppose._ "Here we are," he said as they entered the guest quarters corridor. First door on the right, but if you'd rather one of the other rooms, you can switch."

She shook her head. "No, this is fine. I'm not picky, you know that."

 _Do I?_ He certainly _thought_ he knew Kristin Westphalen, but that was _before_. Three years ago, yes, he could honestly say he felt he knew her. Now? He couldn't be sure. She looked the same, surely, but there was definitely something different about her he couldn't quite put his finger on, something in the way she carried herself, in her personality. Was this just a new defense mechanism of hers, or was it something else? _That's something I intend to find out,_ he promised himself.

He opened the door for her. "After you," he replied, motioning her inside.

"Thank you," she muttered as she passed and walked inside. She looked around and turned back to him. "This is lovely."

He laughed softly. "Not much larger than what we had on the old boat, I'm afraid. You wouldn't know it, but the rooms are a few inches larger. I'd have loved to have made them a few _feet_ larger, but it just wasn't in the budget."

"N-Nathan, it's fine, really," she told him, setting the flowers on the bedside table.

"Right, sorry, I'm just trying to make conversation." He paused and stepped closer to her, frowning when he saw her take a step back. _Is she that afraid to be alone with me?_ _I need to fix that._ "Do you need to freshen up or anything before we go?"

She shook her head quickly. "I'm fine, thank you."

"All right, but..." He took another step forward, and she took another back, causing him to sigh. He knew what he'd told himself, that he couldn't push her, but they couldn't go on like this. "Would you mind if I asked you something?"

She paled and wrung her hands together. "I...I know we've got a lot to talk about, but I...I..."

Nathan put up his hands. "I didn't mean that. I mean, yes, now that you're here, I do hope we can talk about what exactly happened back then, but it's your first day, and I don't intend to bombard you. I also don't think this is exactly the time or place for such a conversation. That can wait. I mean, I've waited nearly three years already. What's a few days more?" He tentatively took another step forward, and to his relief, she didn't step away. "We've always been able to talk about simple things, though. You'd said you were feeling better, but you're obviously not, are you?"

She shook her head. "And...and I'm sorry about that." She ran a trembling hand through her hair. "I thought I was all right, but I suppose I'm really not. I didn't... I just..."

Nathan sighed. "This is terribly awkward, isn't it? I wasn't trying to get you flustered."

"I...I know; it's not your fault exactly."

"Maybe it would be best if we started over?" He held out his hand and flashed her a warm smile. "Hello, it's wonderful to see you after so long. I hope you've been well."

She stared at his hand for several long seconds, seemingly confused, before accepting it. "Thank you. It's wonderful to see you too," she said breathily, "and for the most part, yes, I...I have been well. I hope it's been the same for you."

Nathan noticed her hands were icy cold due to her nervousness. He placed another hand atop hers in an effort to help her relax. "For the most part for me as well," he told her. "But see, it's just you and me, and there's nothing to be afraid of, right? We're just two old friends reuniting after a time apart. I think we can talk about the boat or other trivial things without too much trouble, can't we?"

"I think I can handle that. You're right, there's really no need to be nervous. We used to be able to talk about anything. I... I'd nearly forgotten what that was like."

"I hope I can remind you," he said with a wink. "As for the other important conversation we need to have, how about we talk about it over dinner?"

She turned a bright shade of pink and shifted nervously. "Oh, I...I," she stammered, turning even redder. "Um..."

Nathan shook his head, trying to alleviate her concerns. "Sorry, I didn't mean tonight. I thought we'd play it by ear as to the exact date, but maybe one night this week? Or next...whatever you'd like."

"Oh," she replied, "that seems doable, but we will definitely play it by ear. I'm still getting my bearings."

"I can see that. Well, Doctor..." He held out his arm. "Are you ready for the grand tour?"

She offered him a shy smile and accepted his arm. "Lead the way, Captain."

 _•❤•.❀•ǝʌol sᴉ sᴉɥʇ ɟᴉ•❀.•❤•_

 _Well, that was rather painless,_ Kristin thought as Nathan started to lead her around the boat. _For the most part anyway. At least I've got a reprieve for now._ She allowed herself to relax. Well, somewhat; her stomach was still in knots, but that was mainly a residual effect from her prior anxiety. But at least she felt like she could finally breathe, and that was all thanks to Nathan. She really had to hand it to him; he still knew exactly what to do to get her to calm down. And now, she couldn't help but smile because Nathan was like a little boy showing off his new toy.

"Now, the good news is that the basic layout of this boat is the same as the first boat. You know, if it isn't broke, don't fix it," Nathan said with a shrug. "So you'll still find certain things in the same places; that should make it easy for you. On B deck..."

 _I'd nearly forgotten how good you two were together._

A hand rose to Kristin's mouth at her heart's unexpected observation. _**You?** I thought I'd told you-_

 _I did say it wasn't over, and can you really expect me to keep silent on this? You can't deny that you two complement each other, can you? You said it yourself; if Nathan hadn't been here, you'd never have been able to relax. And do you know why that is? It's because he knows you inside and out. It's because he damn near knows you better than you know yourself, Kristin. You know you two belong together. Why do you keep denying yourself happiness?_

 _I don't..._ She shook her head. _No, I've already explained this to you hundreds of times. Perhaps Nathan and I could rekindle our friendship, but romance is out of the picture. No ifs, ands, or buts. Got it?_

Her heart sighed in frustration. _I never thought you'd be so blind._

 _I am not blind; I'm just a realist. If I-_

Nathan's hand on her arm pulled her out of her head. "Kristin? Are you all right? You're not going to be sick, are you?"

She suddenly realized she still had her hand over her mouth, so she quickly removed it and shook her head. "Sorry, no, I'm just surprised at how amazing this boat is." She forced a smile. "You've really outdone yourself, Nathan."

He grinned. "I have, haven't I? I'm so glad you approve."

Her brow rose in question. "Did you think I wouldn't?"

"No, it's not that. I just... Well, I didn't think we could perfect what we used to have, but we obviously proved that wrong."

Kristin swallowed hard, getting the sinking feeling he wasn't just talking about the boat. She only hoped she was wrong. "Let's just hope you don't have to perfect it again. It would be a shame to see all your hard work destroyed for a _second_ time."

"Eh, while I really don't relish the thought of having to design and build a _third_ boat, there's always room for improvement," he said with a shrug. "Nothing is ever perfect, but it doesn't mean I won't try."

"Well, you always were tenacious," she replied, feeling slightly uncomfortable with the way he was staring at her, "but I think you've shown me nearly the whole boat now, except..."

"The bridge..." He paused, frowning slightly before asking, "And did Wendy show you the hydroponics labs?"

She nodded. "We didn't go into each one, but she pointed them out."

"Oh, wonderful," he said with a smile. "Then you're still in for a treat. I can show you what I've been working on. I think you'll be very impressed. In fact, while you're here, maybe you can help me, but we'll talk about that later. So the choice is yours... Do you want to see the bridge first or my special project?"

She thought for a moment. While Nathan's 'special project' had piqued her interest, she was eager to see everyone else. Since they hadn't run into any of the senior staff during the tour, she assumed they were all on the bridge. Not only that, she decided being alone with Nathan was too risky right now. "The bridge. Everyone else must be there, yes?"

He nodded and placed an arm around her shoulders. "I assume so. I'm surprised we haven't run into any of them yet, but I'm sure they're going to be floored to see you."

"About as floored as you were," she said with a nod. "Hopefully in a good way, though."

"Definitely in a good way, Kris. Definitely," he said as he ushered her towards the mag-lev.


	4. For I Am My Disease

**Chapter 4**

 _ **seaQuest**_

Just as Nathan and Kristin were about to enter the mag-lev, however, Nathan's PAL beeped. "Ah, one second," he said to Kristin as he retrieved his PAL from his pocket. "Bridger."

" _Captain?"_ Wendy's voice sounded through the device speaker. _"Is Dr. Westphalen still with you?"_

"Yes, as a matter of fact, she is," Nathan replied with a slight frown. "Something's wrong."

It wasn't a question; Wendy sounded terribly upset. Kristin bit her bottom lip in concern. _Did someone get hurt? Was anyone sick? Did the boat receive a medical distress call?_ She waited with bated breath for the younger doctor's answer.

" _It's Darwin. I think he's sick. He was fine one minute, lethargic and acting strangely the next. I could really use some assistance with him, and I was hoping Dr. Westphalen would oblige?"_

"Of course I will," Kristin said loud enough so Wendy would hear her. "Uh, where are you exactly?"

" _Sea deck,"_ Wendy replied. _"Please, hurry."_

"We'll be right there," Nathan told her before he cut the link and stuffed the PAL back into his pocket.

 _•❤• _.❀•ǝʌol sᴉ sᴉɥʇ ɟᴉ•❀.•❤•__

Upon entering sea deck, Kristin's eyes instantly darted towards the moon pool, but she didn't see anyone. _That's strange,_ she thought, moving to lean against the side of the pool. She nodded her head towards the lab. "Wendy must be in there, I assume, but I don't see Darwin at all."

"Maybe she got him to go into the lab pool?" Nathan asked as a puzzled look flickered across his face His eyes darted back towards the lab. "Wait right here, and I'll go see if she's in there."

Kristin nodded. "Thank you." Though as he turned to leave, she swore she saw a smile.

She shook her head a moment later. __No, don't be silly. You know how important Darwin is to him. He wouldn't be smiling at a time like this.__

She heaved a sigh. While she welcomed the distraction, she certainly didn't like the thought of Darwin being sick. __He was fine when we were playing earlier, and I-__ A hand rose to her mouth in realization. __Oh, no! I hope it wasn't the game that made him sick. Maybe we were too rough on him. Maybe-__

Splashing in the moon pool made her turn, interrupting her thoughts. "Darwin!" she cried, moving closer to the pool's edge. "Are you all right?"

The dolphin nodded his head. "Yes, Darwin fine."

"But..." Kristin shook her head. "I thought you were sick?"

"Darwin not sick," the dolphin replied. "Darwin happy." He swam in a circle and did a leap for effect. "See? Darwin happy."

Her eyebrows knitted together with the depth of her confusion. "I can see that, but Wendy called me and said you were sick. Did you tell her you were sick before?"

"Darwin not sick. Darwin happy," he said again. "Darwin party."

"What? What do you mean _party_?" She placed a gentle hand beneath Darwin's snout and the other on his head, carefully looking him over. __Bright eyes, normal skin color, loads of energy. Darwin's right. He's obviously not sick, but why in the world would Wendy have said he was?__ "What do you mean by party?" she asked again.

 _"_ Darwin happy. Darwin party all night."

Kristin sighed as she pushed herself back up. "Well, you party all you want, whatever that means. But I really should go find the captain and figure out how this mix-up happened. Have fun." As soon as she turned, she saw Dagwood. "Oh, hello."

Dagwood turned and looked down the corridor behind him. "Now?"

"Now!" Wendy called, coming in from the lab, Nathan close behind her.

Kristin was just about to ask what they were talking about when she noticed a group of people behind Dagwood...specifically, the rest of the senior staff. She suddenly felt butterflies dancing in her belly when she saw Jonathan, Tim, Lieutenant Brody...and several new faces. They were all smiling, but that didn't stop her from feeling a stab of guilt for hurting them. __Oh, dear, I hope-__

Before she could finish her thought, they all yelled, "Surprise!"

Miguel wheeled in a cart with a sheet cake on it decorated with an ocean scene and the words 'Welcome Home' written in blue icing while everyone else clapped and cheered.

"My goodness, this is quite the welcome indeed!" Kristin replied as all her guilt suddenly melted away as simple pleasure set in. She was so touched, happy tears sprung to her eyes. She wiped at her eyes and turned to Nathan, who'd moved to stand beside her. "I don't suppose you do this for all your guest scientists?"

"Only the special ones," he said with a wink. "You remember that little thing Wendy and I had to talk about earlier? It's not much, but it's all we could do on short notice."

"You have fully decorated sheet cakes lying around on short notice?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Not exactly," he replied, flashing her a mischievous grin. "But that's _my_ little secret. Let's just say I called in a few favors."

"When the captain told us _you_ were our guest scientist, we knew we had to do something for you. We figure this was the best way," Jonathan said, holding out his arms. "Welcome back, Doc!"

"Thank you, Commander, I'm happy to be back," she said, wrapping her arms around him. "But just when did the captain have time to tell you?"

"While I was waiting for you to finish up in Wendy's office," Nathan replied. "Sorry, I knew you wanted it to be a surprise, but I thought this was a better way to get us all together. Much more fun than a quick reunion on the bridge. This way, you can spend a little time with them, make it meaningful...all that."

"And we always need an excuse to eat cake," Miguel said with a smile, moving towards Kristin.

Kristin laughed. "Well, I'm glad I could help you out with your cake addiction." She pulled him into a hug and then felt a tap on her shoulder.

"Don't forget me, Doc," Tim said.

She turned to face him, giving him a friendly smile. "I could _never_ , Mr. O'Neill," she said, holding out her arms. "Don't be shy now."

"It's good to see you, Doc," he said as he pulled her into a gentle embrace.

"Likewise," she replied before slowly pulling away and turning to the rest of the group. "And the rest of you don't even know me, and you _still_ did this for me?"

A young man spoke up. "Well, if we didn't, the captain here said he was gonna-" Just then, the woman next to him gave his arm a slap. "Ow!"

"What Tony means is any friend of theirs is a friend of ours." She held out her hand towards Kristin. "Lenore Henderson, but you can call me Lonnie."

Kristin shook her hand in greeting. "It's very nice to meet you, Lonnie." She then turned to Tony, who was still holding his arm. "And you too, Tony."

Tony simply nodded. "You betcha, Doc."

"You'll have to excuse Tony," Lonnie continued. "He might not have the best manners, but beneath that rude exterior, he's got a heart of gold."

"Good to know," Kristin said, moving towards Tony and giving his uninjured arm a gentle squeeze. "I've heard a lot about you, Mr. Piccolo."

"And it's all true," he told her with a half-smile. "Probably. I've heard a lot about you too."

"Oh?" she said, returning his smile. "Well, then I'll have to say the same thing."

"I think we're gonna get along great, Doc." He held out his hand. "Lay one on me."

Kristin obliged and then turned back to everyone. "Again, I really can't thank you all enough. Now what do you say we cut that cake, hm?"

 _•❤• _.❀•ǝʌol sᴉ sᴉɥʇ ɟᴉ•❀.•❤•__

One hour later, the party was still in full swing. Kristin certainly hadn't expected Nathan to organize a welcoming party for her, but she was really glad he did, because that helped her relax even more. Well, mostly anyway. Sure, their dinner conversation still loomed in the back of her mind, but she felt like that was miles away. She could forget about that for now and let her hair down. She truly enjoyed catching up with her old friends and making some new ones. But since the get-together started, there was one person who had been noticeably absent: Lucas. The moment everyone had shouted surprise, Kristin had scanned the crowd for him, but he wasn't there. She'd been meaning to ask Nathan about him, but she hadn't gotten the chance. Every time she tried to get away, someone else started a conversation with her or told a story or memory.

"...and just as the lava was about to destroy the island, a miracle happened in the form of this great woman right here," Jonathan said, motioning towards her.

"Oh, Jonathan, come now," Kristin said, feeling her cheeks grow warm. "I wouldn't call it a miracle... I just did what I thought was right."

"You're too modest, Doctor. Thanks to you, we're all around to talk about it. Though I wasn't there to see it, I heard she was absolutely amazing. She took command of the bridge and..."

As Jonathan continued to talk about the torpedo incident, Kristin happened to look over her shoulder, and standing on the other side of the moon pool in the corner was Lucas. She gave him a wave, but he didn't return it. Instead, he shoved his hands in his pockets and looked down, wearing a rather glum expression. __Oh, dear, I wonder what that's about...__

Kristin had the nagging feeling that whatever was wrong with him, she was the cause of it. __I'd better go talk to him about it,__ she decided, turning back to the others. "Excuse me for a moment," she said before moving to Lucas' side. "I'd wondered where you'd been hiding."

"Funny, I could say the same about you," he replied icily.

Her heart sank when she saw the stony expression on his face, pain and anger reflected in his eyes. __You expected this,__ she reminded herself for about the millionth time. __You knew it wouldn't be easy.__ "Right," she said. "Well, I guess I deserve that."

"You're damn right you do!" he snapped. "I can't believe you expect to waltz back into our lives, think we'll embrace you with open arms, and that everything will be all right again." He gripped the side of the moon pool so tightly his knuckles turned white. "It will never be the same again, no matter how hard you try."

Kristin took a deep breath and exhaled slowly as she tried to gather her scattering thoughts. Though she'd expected some animosity over the situation, she'd expected more of it to come from Nathan, not Lucas. "I'm not expecting it to be," she said quietly. "I... This is awkward for me, too, but-"

"Oh, it's _awkward_ for you?" he asked with a roll of his eyes, the words pouring off his tongue like acid. "Poor baby! That doesn't even compare to what you've done to us, the hell you put us through. You know, the captain wasn't the only one who suffered when you left." He finally looked at her, his eyes glistening with fresh tears. "I thought we were close, Doc. I thought you loved me."

Her eyes darted across the room to see if anyone heard their heated discussion, but no one had seemed to notice them. She then turned back to Lucas. "Of course I loved you, Lucas. I still do, but-"

"Oh, yeah? Well, you've got a funny way of showing it," he said bitterly. "You could have left a note, made a phone call... You could have even sent a letter, but you were too wrapped up in your petty, self-absorbed bullshit!"

Lucas had shouted so loudly, the room instantly grew quiet. Kristin could feel eyes on them as she did her best to not fall apart then and there. She shut her eyes for a second and swallowed hard. "Look, Lucas, I know you're upset, and-"

"Boy, those years of hard training have really paid off, Doc," Lucas said flatly. "And I really didn't come here to listen to your weak excuses. I just came here to see if it was true, to see for myself if you had the audacity to show your face here after everything."

"Well, now you know the answer to that," she replied, her voice cracking as her eyes welled up with fresh tears.

"Yeah, I guess I do. And I'm not going to stay here and witness this blasphemy any longer." He turned to the others. "You all should be ashamed of yourselves. She's absolutely _nothing_ to celebrate. She doesn't care about you; she only cares about herself, and you'll see that soon enough."

Just as he was about to walk out of sea deck, Nathan stepped forward, dismay reflected in his eyes. "You wait just a minute, Lucas. Being angry is one thing, but you will not disrespect the doctor like that."

Lucas' mouth fell open. "Are you serious? I thought you of all people would understand. She left us without saying a thing, without letting us know where she was going, without leaving a forwarding address. Nothing. And you're telling me we should just forgive her? That we should act like it never happened?" He shook his head. "I refuse to be blind. I refuse to pretend. She left us!"

"I don't give a damn." He motioned to Kristin. "This woman stood by you for years. She treated you better than your own mother; the _both_ of us took you in under our roof, _not_ just me. Regardless of what she did, she deserves your respect, and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand her and let you treat her this way. Apologize to her right now."

Kristin released a shaky breath. Though Lucas' words had hurt her, so much so that she'd allowed a few tears to fall, she was actually glad someone had the guts to say how they felt. Naturally, this had been the attitude she'd expected Nathan to have. When he didn't, she'd been both relieved and pleasantly surprised, but she started to wish he would be honest with her. If Lucas was this angry, surely, he had to be livid. Maybe some of the others as well. She wiped at her eyes and shook her head. "That's not necessary. He's got every right to be angry..."

Nathan's brow furrowed. "Be that as it may, he shouldn't be talking to you that way." He glared at Lucas. "He'll gladly apologize to you."

"You can't force him into it," she replied before turning to Lucas. "You're free to go."

Lucas opened his mouth to speak but thought better of it. He simply turned and stormed off down the corridor.

"Let's get this party back on track!" Tony called. "Come on, people, nothin' to see here!"

Miguel rolled his yes. "Real subtle, Tony."

"Subtle or not, I think we should give the doc some room, huh? How 'bout some tunes?" Tony walked to the wall and turned a knob, a dance song immediately playing over the speakers.

As the others started dancing and talking again, Nathan turned to Kristin. "Are you all right?"

She waved a hand. "I will be."

He placed an arm around her shoulders. "I wish you'd have let him apologize."

"He's not a boy anymore, Nathan," she said with a shake of her head. "You can't order him around like that. Besides, it would have little effect since I'd know it wasn't sincere."

Nathan sighed. "Well, I'm going to make a point to talk to him. You're right, I can't force him to feel something he doesn't, but I don't think it's too much to ask that he be civil to you while you're here."

"I appreciate that, but maybe he's got the right idea."

"What?" Nathan asked, giving her a quizzical look.

She shrugged. "He didn't say anything that wasn't true, so he's right. I probably don't deserve any of this." She raised her voice so everyone could hear her over the music. "Again, I really appreciate all the trouble you went to, but I hope you understand when I say it's been a rather long day, so I'm going to retire to my room for now. Don't stop on my account, though."

As everyone muttered departing words, Nathan said, "But, Kristin..."

"I'm sorry, Nathan, I just need to get away for a while," she replied as she left sea deck and quickly headed for her room.

 _•❤• _.❀•ǝʌol sᴉ sᴉɥʇ ɟᴉ•❀.•❤•__

 _ _I should have known this would happen,__ Kristin thought as she closed her door and leaned her back against it. Lucas' attitude had been exactly what she expected from everyone, but when that hadn't happened, she'd pushed the thought from her mind. __How could I have been so stupid?__ she chastised herself, wiping at her eyes. __How could I have just let my guard down like that?__

Except she knew the answer. It was because she was just starting to enjoy herself, enjoy the company. She started to think that maybe...just maybe things could be like they used to be before. Before she'd gone and mucked it all up, that was. Her past mistakes seemed insignificant as far as everyone else was concerned. Even Nathan was acting as though none of it mattered now. Of course, he still expected an explanation, but she didn't think that would be so hard to give.

 _ _I was wrong, dead wrong. Only, I wish...__

She turned and glanced towards the door, half-expecting Nathan to have followed her and was somewhat surprised when she heard no tentative knock.

 _ _He probably hates me, too. And I did say I wanted to be alone,__ she reasoned as she moved to sit on the end of her bunk. And that was true...to a point. Unfortunately, there was a small part of her that didn't want to be alone either. She wanted comfort, a shoulder to cry on. That small part of her wished Nathan would burst through that door, pull her into his arms, and tell her everything was going to be all right. _You idiot,_ she thought with a shake of her head. Y _ou know what sort of trouble that would cause. You don't really want that, do you?_

In the long-run, no. She knew it was her vulnerability talking and nothing more, but that didn't stop her from hoping. She glanced to the door, almost willing it to open, but no one came. A violent sob wracked her small frame. "Oh, Nathan, please..."

Several minutes later, she was able to calm down enough that she could think straight again. "God, would you listen to yourself?" she muttered in disgust. "One moment, you're wishing you were anywhere other than here, afraid to even be under the same roof as _him_ , and the next, you're praying he'd hold you? You're such a fool." She brought her hands to her temples and rubbed gently. __And my head is such a mess. I sound like a crazy person.__

 _ _You said it,__ her heart told her.

 _ _Really? You really think this is the best time to mock me?__ Kristin thought as a few more pitiful tears slid down her cheeks.

 _ _I wasn't mocking you at all, but I wish you'd just listen to me already. You're too damn proud to let anyone else in. You__ _ _ **won't**__ _ _even let yourself in.__

Kristin frowned. She knew her heart was right, but in the last few years, she'd felt as though she'd lost her courage. Initially, she'd thought she was protecting herself. This justification made it easy to refuse help from anyone. Martin would invite her over for holidays, and Vanessa would ask her to have a girls' night out every so often, but she always refused. She'd told herself she didn't need anyone else, that she was a big girl, that she could stand on her own two feet. The truth was, however, she felt as though there were parasites slowly eating away at her spine. She wasn't even sure if there was anything left to it now. She could practically feel the scratching mandibles of those imaginary creatures slowly nibbling away at her insides, causing an involuntary tremor through her bones.

 _ _If you want someone to talk to, why don't you go out there and say something? You know they're all worried about you. You know any of them would listen if you asked.__

She pondered on this a moment. She knew full well her heart was right. Though she tried to ignore them, she saw the looks they all were giving her as she walked out of sea deck. She stood, wringing her hands together in deliberation as she glanced towards the door. __Maybe I should...__

Her heart nearly burst with excitement, pleased Kristin would finally listen to reason. __Yes, that's it. Go on!__

Kristin's hand was on the handle, and she was just about to give into her heart's desires when something suddenly pulled her back. "Are you mad?" She clicked her tongue. "Going out there would mean disaster...and it would just cause even more problems for Lucas. If Nathan saw how upset I was, surely, he'd reprimand him." She shook her head and took several steps back. "Lucas is angry enough with me as it is. I don't want to add more fuel to the fire."

Her heart sighed its frustration. __You know, if you'd just give into reason, you'd-__

"Be quiet!" Kristin cried, pinching the bridge of her nose as irritation overwhelmed her. She also became her own worst enemy over the past few years; she was in constant battle with herself. It was as though part of her was the big bad wolf and the other was the meek little piggy. She hadn't seen the wolf for ages, though. The last time was just after she'd left Nathan. But she'd managed to vanquish it, to force it back to its hiding place. Only now, she felt an uncomfortable shiver make its way up her spine at the thought.

 _ _It's been so long, hasn't it, little pig?__

Every hair on the back of Kristin's neck stood on end at the sound of scuffling paws across the floor, the soft click-clack of claws. A cold sweat washed over her as her heart began racing. She hesitantly lifted her eyes towards the sound, and her mouth dropped open, a low moan escaping her throat, when she saw the red eyes, the shiny teeth.

 _ _Miss me?_ _ it asked.

 _Once upon a time, there was a little piggy and the big bad wolf who lived inside her,_ she thought. She felt the familiar scrape of claws at her legs and backed away. _And if she didn't work to keep the wolf at bay, surely, she'd be eaten._

 _ _Little pig, little pig, let me in,__ the wolf sing-songed, the sickly sweet voice causing another shudder to crash over Kristin. __Just give in. Let yourself be happy for once. It's been so long...__

 _S_ he squeezed her eyes shut. Giving in sounded so tempting. __Maybe I should let you take the lead for a while...__ She was tired of fighting, and that scritch-scratching inside her was becoming more persistent. __Scratch, nibble, scratch, nibble.__

 _ _Little pig, little pig, let me in.__

She leaned her head against the door, enjoying the coolness of the smooth metal against her feverish brow. It was a welcome distraction, and she hoped it would help clear her head.

 _ _Little pig-__

"Give it a rest for five minutes, please!" A hand rose to her temple, trying to soothe the headache that was starting right behind her eyes. She then took a deep breath and laid her head against the door again, hoping to escape the big bad wolf's clutches for just a moment.

 _ _You can't hide from me. Everywhere you go, I go with you.__

"No, I'm done. I'm not leaving this room. I can handle this alone. I...I need to handle this by myself," Kristin told it, grimacing at the way her shaky voice betrayed her.

 _ _All right, fine. I'll let you have it your way, little pig...for the time being,__ it said with a suspicious sneer. __But just what do you intend to do now?__

That was a very good question. She couldn't very well stay locked in her room forever. Perhaps she was cleared for the night, but she was going to have to face them all again come tomorrow. Their sympathetic looks would tear at her heartstrings and only make her feel even more guilty. Then again, maybe they'd take a hint from Lucas. Perhaps those looks of sympathy would be swapped for looks of disdain. Though she felt she deserved nothing less, she wasn't sure she was strong enough to handle that right now. Clearly, she was broken up over just one person telling her how they really felt. If they all went after her, she'd lock her door and never come out.

"I wish I could just go away," she said with a sigh, looking wistfully at her bags. "Maybe I could..." She imagined herself getting on a launch and never looking back again. But she quickly shook the thought from her mind. Too many people were counting on her. Barring illness or death, there really was no reason she couldn't stay. Since she was very much alive and well, for the most part, it didn't look like she was going to get out of this. _Damn._

For several minutes, she wasn't sure what to do next. She just stood there, still half-hoping Nathan would come in and hold her, trying to come up with a reason to leave, and Lucas' angry words coming back to her all at the same time. __You're absolutely nothing to celebrate.__ _ _You're absolutely nothing to celebrate. You're absolutely nothing to celebrate. You're absolutely...__

It repeated over and over again like a bad mantra. __And he's__ _ _ **absolutely**__ _ _right__ _,_ she thought as her eyes welled up with fresh tears, guilt settling in like a lead weight upon her shoulders. __I should be ashamed of myself. I__ _ _ **am**__ _ _ashamed.__

She moved to sit on her bunk again, a soft cry escaping her throat followed by another...and another still. Though wallowing in self-pity wasn't normally her style, she felt she had nowhere else to turn. No matter how willing the others might be to help her, she couldn't possibly ask. She didn't deserve it. She deserved everything she was getting and then some. If they were smart, they'd all run from her. Lucas was right; she obviously cared for no one else but herself.

 _Kristin, you don't mean that,_ her heart cut in. _You don't-_

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" she cried through tears. "You don't know anything about me! Just stay out of it! Don't say another word, or I'll-"

A knock at the door made her jump. __Oh, sure,__ _ _ **now**__ _ _he shows up,__ she thought, somewhat annoyed it had taken him so long. She stood and cleared her throat. "Um, just a minute," she called, wiping at her eyes and hoping he didn't hear the argument she was having with herself. She swallowed hard before opening the door. As soon as she opened it, her heart sank, seeing it wasn't Nathan after all. "Oh, Wendy, hello."

"Sorry, it's just you left in such a hurry, I didn't get a chance to give you this." She held out a PAL unit. "You remember how to use it, right? It's already been programmed." She motioned to the buttons. "I marked the channels for you."

Kristin took it from her, relieved she hadn't asked to come inside. "Thank you, I appreciate it. And, yes, I remember how to use it."

Wendy nodded. "I figured as much," she said before reaching out and placing a gentle hand on Kristin's arm. "Are you okay? What happened back there-"

"I'm fine, really," she quickly assured her. "I have a daughter myself, and she's said far worse things to me. Lucas... I'm sure he'll get over it. This is all new to him...to us. He just needs time to adjust." __Liar!__ She bit her bottom lip. __I wonder if telepaths know when you're lying. Ugh, I'm sure that she does. Think brick wall, brick wall! Maybe she won't suspect...__

Wendy stared at her for several seconds. Kristin was sure she was trying to decide if she was lying, trying to assess if she really was fine. And truth told, she was inches away from crying again. If Wendy pushed the issue, it wouldn't take much to wear her down, the lump in her throat quickly growing from the size of a pebble to a boulder.

"All right," the younger woman said after a moment. "As long as you're sure."

"I am," Kristin choked out, hoping Wendy didn't hear the strain in her voice. "Really."

"Well, I'll leave you be, but if you change your mind..." She motioned to the PAL. "I'm on line two."

Kristin gave a nod. "Got it, thank you."

"Anytime," Wendy replied before turning to walk away.

As soon as she shut the door, Kristin leaned back against it and let out a shaky breath. __That was close,__ she thought, only she suspected Wendy knew she'd been lying. __At least she had the common sense to know I need to be alone.__

 _ _Only that's not what you wanted after all, is it, little pig?__

Kristin sighed; she knew it had been too easy before. The wolf had simply been waiting for her to weaken, to get to the point where she couldn't fight anymore. She felt its hot breath christen her ear, causing another shudder to snake through her. She refused to grace it with an answer.

 _ _Let me in, little pig. Don't be afraid. This is what you want, what you__ _ _ **need**__ _ _.__

Kristin squeezed her eyes shut as she felt the invisible claws draw a line down her face, under her chin, hot pain coursing through her. "N-no," she choked out. "P-please, stop. I said to go away."

 _ _But I know you don't really mean that. You wouldn't be thinking what you are now if you did.__

She shook her head. "N-no, I can't..."

 _ _Shh, don't be like that now. I thought we had an understanding. You're tired of fighting, you said it yourself. Just give into me, little pig. You'll like it.__ Its leathery tongue licked at her cheek, leaving a trail of wetness behind.

Kristin tried to wipe it away when she realized the wetness on her cheek was from her own tears. "Please, just stop. I'd told you I'm not ready."

 _ _Ready or not, here I come,__ the wolf said, a sinister laugh sounding in her ears _._ _ _You won't stop me.__ Kristin felt another slimy lick. __Mmm, and you taste so good.__

She instinctively backed away, scrambling towards the corner of the room.

 _ _Ah, ah, ah, no matter where you go, you can't hide from me. Besides, you're talking nonsense. You know you're not strong enough for this. You're unstable. You're not thinking straight. You don't even have the sense to know the difference between what you want and what you need.__ A paw pushed her hair off her face, claws brushing against her skin, causing her to flinch. _ _You've got nothing to lose. Just let me in. You belong to me, little pig. If you'd just accept that, it will be far easier on you.__

Kristin shook her head, her breath coming in short pants, frowning at the way her body was trembling. No matter how much the wolf huffed and puffed, the little piggy was hanging on for dear life, and she wasn't about to let go just yet. She tried to ignore the scraping jaws of those parasites gnawing away inside her, tried to ignore the glinting teeth of the wolf smiling down at her. __Stay strong, Kristin,__ she told herself. __You can do this.__ Only she heard that small, contrary voice in the back of her mind. __You're spineless! You should throw in the towel now. It's over.__

 _ _Little pig, little pig, let me in.__

Kristin's eyes snapped open. "No!" she screamed. "Get out of my head!"

To her surprise, she heard the wolf laugh. __Such spunk for one so meek. Don't worry, I'll be back.__ She heard the soft click of retreating claws on the floor as she heard it sing, _"Who's afraid of the big bad wolf, the big bad wolf, the big bad wolf? Who's afraid of the big bad wolf? Tra la la la."_

As Kristin fell back against the wall with a slump, she cried softly and thought, __I am,__ and wondered just when that evil wolf would come back to toy with her head again.

 _•❤• _.❀•ǝʌol sᴉ sᴉɥʇ ɟᴉ•❀.•❤•__

Wendy stood in the corridor outside Kristin's door, her thoughts pensive. Something was indeed very wrong with the older woman, she could see that much. But she wasn't one to pry. _I should really get back to sea deck,_ she thought as she turned to go. After taking a few steps, however, she found herself turning back again. Her brow puckered in worry. _Maybe I shouldn't leave her?_ She knew Kristin was lying; she could feel everything she was feeling, and it took everything in her power not to push her way inside and pull Kristin into her arms. Waves of sadness, anxiety, and guilt washed over her, and she had to grab onto the wall to keep from crumbling to the floor. It took her several minutes for her to recover, to put that brick wall up over her mind so she could function again. She took a few deep, cleansing breaths and released them slowly and chewed on her bottom lip in deliberation.

 _ _ **Should**__ _ _I leave her?__

Part of her told her no. While she didn't know Kristin Westphalen very well, she knew she wanted to help her. Even before they'd officially met, Wendy decided she liked her. She'd heard so many wonderful things about Kristin; everyone on the boat loved her, though Wendy suspected she wasn't really aware of that.

 _ _Especially not after Lucas' outburst,__ she thought with a heavy sigh.

Wendy knew Lucas loved Kristin; he was just angry. _I'll have to make a point to talk to him,_ she decided. _But first..._ She looked towards Kristin's closed door once again and shook her head. Much as she wanted to help her, she also suspected Kristin didn't want to be pushed into talking. Whatever was going on with her, it was best to wait it out. _She'll talk when she's ready,_ she thought, giving herself a nod. Granted, Kristin might not seek her out, but she could deal with that. __As long as she speaks to someone...__

She sighed once again. __Hang in there, Kristin. You'll get through this,__ she told her silently before turning and walking away.

 _•❤• _.❀•ǝʌol sᴉ sᴉɥʇ ɟᴉ•❀.•❤•__

Back on sea deck, the party was still in full swing; however, Nathan was no longer in the partying mood. He was in the front corner by the moon pool with his hands on his hips, pacing slowly. __This is all my fault,__ he thought. __I should have talked to Lucas as soon as I found out Kristin was here. I should have known he'd react like this. He'd been just as upset as I was back then.__ _ _I just thought...__

Well, he thought Lucas had healed, just as he had _._ _ _Of course, healing doesn't mean he forgot.__ _ _ **I**__ _ _haven't.__

He scrubbed a hand across his face, feeling a few strands of his beard rasping against his palm. He'd been a fool. He'd expected Lucas to handle the situation with the same maturity he had. Of course, he wanted answers right away, but he knew Kristin needed a little time before she could explain. He'd neglected to let Lucas in on that little plan. Not that he had much time to adjust to the situation himself, but... __I should have taken a few minutes to talk to him.__ _ _If I had, then maybe he wouldn't have confronted her in the middle of the party. And Kristin wouldn't be locked in her quarters right now...__ He sighed, his features twisting into a grimace. __This is__ _ _ **all**__ _ _my fault. And now I need to fix it. Only-__

A sudden splash of warm, salty water hit him in the face, interrupting his thoughts. "Hey!"

Darwin squeaked and clicked excitedly, swimming around in circles.

"That wasn't very nice," Nathan muttered as he grabbed a towel from the wall and wiped his face. He then moved to switch on the vocoder before turning back to Darwin. "Something you want to tell me?"

"Bridger, Darwin party. Have fun." To emphasize his point, Darwin swam in circles again and did a leap into the air. Nathan watched his glistening body curve into a perfect arch before disappearing into the gently swirling waters of the moon pool. A few moments later, Darwin bobbed back to the surface and let out a joyous, "Party!"

Nathan smiled softly, finding a small bit of peace in Darwin's antics. "I'd like to, but I'm a little too busy for that right now." He gave him an amused look. "That shouldn't stop _you_ from having fun, though."

Darwin swam back to Nathan and rubbed his nose against his hand. "Bridger sad?"

"Not exactly," he replied, petting the dolphin gently, grateful for the simple friendship he had with the dolphin. "More like concerned, frustrated, worried." _And angry at myself,_ he silently added, his lips curving down slightly. "And you remember that me being the captain means I have to take care of the entire crew, right?"

"Yes," Darwin said with a nod. "Bridger protect crew."

"That's right, my friend. Well, there are some people on the boat who need me right now." He gave Darwin one last pat and then stood. "I promise as soon as I take care of things there, I'll set aside some playtime for you. What do you say to that, hm?"

"Darwin say okay."

"Good," Nathan said, clapping his hands together and motioning towards the other side of the pool. "Now, go on, have fun."

Nathan watched as Darwin left, doing more happy leaps and jumps when he got to the other side and clicking excitedly.

"There ya go, Darwin. Show me what you're workin' with," Tony said, prompting Darwin to show off a bit more.

 _ _Well, at least he's having fun,__ Nathan thought, another small smile gracing his face as he gave a nod. __As for me, I better see about setting things right.__ He decided he'd check on Kristin first, since her room was closer, so he turned to walk out of sea deck when he nearly bumped into Wendy. "Oh, sorry, I didn't see you there."

She waved a dismissive hand. "Not your fault. I was a little distracted myself..."

Nathan didn't miss the worried look on her face. "What's wrong?"

She didn't offer him a reply. Instead, she turned her attention to the party goers. "Looks like things are still going strong in here. At least they haven't let what happened ruin their good time."

He frowned at her change in subject but then decided she was likely upset by what happened. "Only I wish our guest of honor would have stayed. I feel like it's my fault all this happened. I should have spoken with Lucas, and I can't stop worrying about Kristin. I'm going to go check on them, see if I can't repair what's been broken." He nodded his head towards the others. "Can you keep an eye on things in here and make sure it doesn't get too out of hand?"

"You know I will, but..." She bit her bottom lip. "I'm not sure that's the best idea right now."

Nathan's brow furrowed. "Why not?"

"Because I...I just saw Kristin," she replied hesitantly. "I had the same idea you did, but I had another reason, too. Considering she'll need a PAL unit, I figured I'd be nice and bring it to her. That way I could check on her at the same time." She shrugged. "I could tell she'd been crying, but she said she was fine. I don't think she'd take kindly to anyone pushing her to talk."

Nathan shook his head. "But she's been crying; you said it yourself. If I'd have spoken to Lucas, maybe things would have been different. Maybe..." He trailed off, swallowing his frustration and regret. "I _need_ to fix this."

"You're not going to fix it all in one night. Not only that, you can't blame yourself. You certainly didn't cause any of this," she pointed out, placing a gentle hand on his arm. "As for Lucas, perhaps his timing was a little off, but what he said, how he feels... It's been a long time coming. You told me you felt much the same way after she left."

He simply lowered his gaze and nodded. "Maybe, but as much as I want answers, I know Kristin needs time to-"

"Bingo," she said. "Everyone needs time. Kristin needs time to adjust, and so does Lucas. You can't push either of them. In a few days' time, things will be better. You'll see."

He blinked in surprise. "So you don't think I should talk to Lucas either?"

"Not tonight. I think he'll have a cooler head in the morning." She paused and eyed him carefully. "Are _you_ okay?"

"Not really," he admitted. "But maybe you're right. Things will be better tomorrow."

"I'm sure of it. And you know, since I'll have both of them in the lab tomorrow, I thought-"

"That you'd help that along a bit?" he finished for her, giving her a knowing wink.

She gave a tight laugh. "I promise I'll be subtle about it. I just thought... Well, I don't like to see anyone fighting either. I'm sure this isn't what the secretary general intended when he set this all up. He was hoping for a pleasant reunion, closure for everyone, not this."

Nathan's eyebrows knitted together. "Wait a minute, when she'd told me she wanted her stay here to be a surprise, I assumed it had been her idea?"

Wendy's eyes widened, and a hand rose to her mouth as she let out a low gasp. "Oh, um, it was. I mean, of course it was, but the secretary general had a hand in it, too."

Nathan couldn't help but notice how the doctor fidgeted nervously.

"You know, I don't think I tried any of that cake yet," she said as she started towards the refreshments table. "I think I'll go have a slice."

Nathan caught her arm before she even got two steps away. "And you're a terrible liar, Doctor," he told her jokingly. "Bill set this whole thing up, didn't he?"

She nodded. "But you didn't hear it from me."

"Of course not," he replied. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a phone call to make. You'll keep an eye on things here?"

"Of course, Captain. Good luck."

Nathan gave her a warm smile. "It's not me who's going to need it."


End file.
